Santa Fe Fable

Blowing on an adobe abode….

Once upon a time, there were three little pigs who moved to Santa Fe.

They bought a foreclosed lot on Tano Road and decided to build three houses there.

The first pig built a house of straw, which he bought at an artisanal straw shop over on San Mateo. The second pig built his house with piñón twigs. He had a smudge stick ceremony to ward off evil and burned the leftover piñón in his kiva. It smelled great.

These two pigs built their houses very quickly and then sang and danced and did Bikram yoga all day, because they were lazy and sort of bored. It's like, once you've been to the new cheese shop and pickle brinery, what else is there to do here?

The third pig was much smarter. He went all Santa Fe, old school, building his house out of adobe. Very Northern New Mexican. Pitched roof, skylights, nichos, vigas, tile floors…

Then he had the place decorated by a very classy interior designer named Heather. Lots of earth tones and tasteful objects. No Kokopelli crap or cow skulls for this little pig. I'm guessing it will be featured in the next Parade of Homes.

The third pig worked his butt off, because he wasn't lazy like the other two. Pay attention to that, because it's an important part of the story, and there may be a test.

Now, it happened that a big, bad wolf lived in the neighborhood. The wolf saw the two little pigs while they played, and he thought, What juicy, tender meals they will make! Maybe I won't have to eat at the Tune-Up again tonight!

The wolf chased the two pigs, and they ran and hid in their houses.

He went to the first house and bellowed, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!"

So he huffed and he puffed, and he blew that straw house down in 90 seconds! That artisanal stuff never holds up well.

The frightened little pig ran to the second pig's house, the one made of piñón.

You'd think he would have gone straight to the solid adobe place, but he wasn't the smartest pig in the sty. You'd also think the wolf could have caught him while he was running, but that's what he gets for smoking three packs a day.

Predictably, the wolf went to the piñón house next, because he knew there were two pigs inside, representing dinner tonight, tomorrow and maybe even Friday!

He stood outside and bellowed, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down!"

Well, it took him just two minutes to blow down the piñón house.

Now, the two little pigs were terrified and ran to the real adobe house, and the stupid wolf still didn't catch them!

So the wolf went to the tastefully decorated adobe house. He stood outside and bellowed, "Don't make me repeat myself, piggies!"

The wolf tried to blow the adobe house down, but he could not. He blew for hours, but the house was very strong, and the little pigs were safe inside, sitting in their leather wing chairs and watching Duck Dynasty.

Then, the angry wolf clambered up onto the roof, cursing like a barista. He dropped down the chimney, but the third little pig had strewn sharp, broken shards from a big turquoise Jackalope pot all over the tile. They cut into the wolf's paws, and he ran down the road howling, until some New Mexican ranchers shot him.

The two little pigs felt sorry for having been so lazy. They thought briefly about building their own adobe homes but instead just moved into the third pig's casita and lived happily ever after.

Because, you know, it's Santa Fe…

Robert Basler’s humor column runs twice monthly in SFR. Email the author: bluecorn@sfreporter.com


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