A Modest Proposal

What fowl deed is this?

Let’s play a game. You try to name the only state in the US that doesn’t have an approved plan to identify and protect soon-to-be-endangered wildlife species.

Give up? It's New Mexico, the state that likes to figure out the least it can do for its animals, and then do even less. I know I've used that line before, but I do like to quote myself.

Last year, the New Mexico State Game Commission held a public hearing to discuss an endangered wildlife plan for this state. I've seen the official transcript, and while I'd love to tell you what your fellow citizens had to say at the hearing, I can't. Almost all of the citizen comments are marked "inaudible" or "indiscernible." So much for the public having a voice. So much for the public record. The Land of Enchantment can't afford a decent recording system? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

The commission wasn't happy with the proposed plan, partly because the list included about 400 species. That really isn't very many. Arizona has 810 species in its plan.

One of our commissioners said, out loud, "I'm thinking, what's our top 10 here and focus on those." I'm not making this up. It's in the transcript. I'll bet the commission wishes it had been inaudible.

It didn't matter whether there were 455 species or 10, because eventually the commission rejected the whole plan, as well as the millions of dollars in federal funds that would have come our way to implement it. The commission clearly doesn't trust the feds and doesn't want their dirty old money.

You shouldn't be shocked by this. This is the state where just a few years ago, a gun shop held a coyote-killing contest and offered to use the pelts to make coats for the homeless.

But enough of that. I have some very exciting personal news.

As you've probably read, New Mexico has created a Department for Animal Cruelty, to pioneer new heights of inhumanity to God's creatures. And guess what? I've been appointed to head the department! Yes, I finally sold out. I realized what the hunters and trappers have known all along: There's a lot more money in cruelty than in kindness.

I've made some preliminary proposals, so we can hit the ground running. My first is to turn the Albuquerque Zoo into a big-game hunting range. Imagine what trophy hunters will pay for one of those heads on their wall! Of course, the Cincinnati Zoo recently got out in front of us on that idea, what with killing that poor gorilla, but we'll catch up.

But here's the revolutionary idea that won me the job. Are you ready?

You know Bosque del Apache, New Mexico's nationally revered wildlife preserve, where thousands of snow geese, cranes and other birds seek refuge in the marshes and then take predawn flight in a thunderous flapping of wings? Seeing it in person is an experience breathtaking beyond description.

My idea? Two words: bird hunting.

Brilliant, right? Close the place to those nutty bird-watchers and open it up to high-paying hunters! Even the most inept "sportsman" on earth is going to leave with something, because when those birds take off en masse, you just point your shotgun straight up, pull the trigger and hold out your hands. "Honey, fetch the charcoal, we're eatin' crane tonight!"

I know, you're asking, "Bob, how will you ever, ever top an idea like that?"

Well, let's just say I'm working on a few surprises for all those pesky homeless dogs and cats living in luxury in animal shelters around our state. Let's just leave it at that, for the time being.

Robert Basler’s humor column runs twice monthly in SFR. Email the author: bluecorn@sfreporter.com


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