5 New Mexico Politicians Most Deserving of the Dan Savage Treatment
Language is a funny thing. Meanings migrate and take on different connotations. New words are created to properly convey remarkable situations. Twenty years ago, “googling” could have gotten you slapped and “pegging” would have implied a feverish game of Mastermind. More notably, sex columnist Dan Savage, angered by US Sen. Rick Santorum’s tortured depiction of gay sex, popularized the satiric term “santorum,” which is defined as “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.” In order to expand the public vocabulary, we’ve gone ahead and given some New Mexico politicians the Dan Savage treatment for their misdeeds.
Former US Rep. Heather Wilson: “wilsoned”
WIL-soned: fetish in which one gets off on padded shoulders and pant suits, particularly under stressful conditions.
Example of usage: I got wilsoned in the bathroom on Air Force One yesterday and ripped my awesome new JCPenney blazer, but it was all in the interest of national security.
Former Gov. Bill Richardson: “pay to play”
PAY-to-play: a sex game wherein one partner has to look for lucrative prizes hidden up the other partner’s pant leg or, in one variant, inside his or her “cowboy” vest.
Example of usage: After nearly dislocating my kidney, I decided it really doesn’t pay to pay to play. I’m sticking with strategic financial maneuvering and the vesting of highly leveraged assets in shady locations from now on.
Albuquerque Mayor Richard Berry: “immigration check”
im-mig-RA-tion check: severe, unsubstantiated fear of contracting STDs.
Example of usage: I took the mayor to Chuck E Cheese’s for his birthday, but he was immigration checking hard. He didn’t even eat his pizza; he just rubbed it down with hand sanitizer from a hidden pump that came out of his tie clasp.
US Rep. Steve Pearce: “dirty drill”
dir-ty DRILL: when male genitalia becomes enveloped in an unctuous substance as a result of the extended and repeat use of the same lube. Sometimes called “crude well discharge,” the condition is frequently the result of too much deep exploration or mineral extraction.
Example of usage: That cheapskate is gonna contract dirty drill if he doesn’t sack up and buy some more KY.
Gov. Susana Martinez: “deregulate”
de-REG-u-late: to get so deep into your kink that you drop the use of “safe words,” the usual fail-safe for radically experimental sex partners to signify that they’ve had enough.
Example of usage: After being in a committed same-sex relationship for nearly five years, my partner and I developed enough trust to deregulate our Wednesday night autoerotic strangulation/30 Rock sessions.