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Seeing red: 'Red Dawn' displays macho chauvinism of the highest order.

Screw the Wolverines

'Red Dawn' sucks, still [barf]

November 20, 2012, 9:00 pm

It’s official. Movie studios have become so lazy and cynical they’re now remaking even the crap, such as Red Dawn.

Remember Red Dawn? It’s the jingoistic, Reagan-era piece of rah-rah shit that people somehow hold a soft spot for because it reminds them of their dumb, big-haired, shoulder-padded 1980s childhoods.

Make no mistake: It’s macho chauvinism of the highest order.

Refresher: Patrick Swayze, C Thomas Howell and Charlie Sheen are ordinary teens forced to protect their homes after the United States is invaded by Cuba, Nicaragua and the Soviet Union.

The only reason this movie isn’t described as a Tea Party wet dream is because the Tea Party didn’t exist in 1984. Flash forward to 2012, and the movie has been remade, shockingly faithfully to the original, only this time the invading forces are North Korea with help from Russia.

That’s right; North Korea—the country with no electricity that fires long-range missiles into the ocean—is the aggressor. How the invasion happens is a mystery because the North Korean ground forces are so irretrievably stupid.

As for the ‘Muricans, their character motivations are inane, the logic gaps huge. This is what happens when Walter from The Big Lebowski makes movies.

Unfortunately, it’s not funny. It’s a piece of shit.

Regal Santa Fe Stadium 14 / PG-13 / 93 min.


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