Shall I compare thee to a lover who has been with his or her beloved for nearly seven years, when the supposed “itch” strikes? Shall we discuss the seven steps of the congress of the familiar partners? Yes, young grasshopper; for you, too, may someday end up sending in probes with a partner you know all too well.
1. The Education of the Student
In order to enjoy sex in this life and beyond, one must first study the many methods of congress with an open mind (and, in the ladies’ case, an open yoni). If your man is unwilling to consider such experiments as the lower congress (look it up—and trust me, he’s not), you must whisper sexy things to him while he sleeps in order to make his thoughts more fertile.
2. The Girding of the Loins
Pleasure flowers when the body is flexible and willing. Per the Kama Sutra: “When a woman forcibly holds in her yoni the lingam after it is in, it is called the ‘mare’s position.’ This is learnt by practice only.” Enlist a partner or a flexible physical trainer to assist you in cultivating this skill.
3. The Dressing of the Salad
Distinct from “tossing,” the dressing of the salad calls for lovers to clothe themselves strategically in order to emphasize their most desirable attributes, yet make them maddeningly difficult—but not impossible; no special Mormon underwear, please—for their partners to access. Think zippers, snaps, leather and those weird things that hold up garters.
4. The Preparing of the Runway
Lovers should use hair removal techniques, aromatic oils, peanut butter, vajazzling and whatever else they can think of to adorn their bodies before congress begins. Think creatively, but refrain from using materials that could diminish a partner’s desire. In addition, the targeted setting of congress should be clean and welcoming, and not necessarily private.
5. The Biting of the Boar
Says the Kama Sutra: “When love becomes intense, pressing with the nails or scratching the body with them is practiced, and it is done on the following occasions: on the first visit; at the time of setting out on a journey; on the return from a journey; at the time when an angry lover is reconciled; and lastly when the woman is intoxicated.” Enough said.
6. The Congress of Just the Tip
Much can be gained by forcing one’s lover to wait for it—or most of it, anyway.
7. The Sending in of the Probe
When passion reaches its climax, it may be necessary to send in the probe. The probe may be applied to a variety of areas, in a variety of manners, and the long-term lovers are advised never to exercise the same probative position twice in a row. “Thus,” counsels the Sutra, “if men and women act according to each other’s liking, their love for each other will not be lessened even in one hundred years.”