To paraphrase the poet, it's important to respect uh-thor-uh-tie.
OK, so it wasn't a poet. It was Cartman from South Park. But that doesn't mean we can't cull vital lessons about paying homage to authority figures from the chubby little bastard.
Which is why we welcomed Gov. Bill Richardson's recent appointment of Jeff Siembieda as the deputy director of the New Mexico Sports Authority. The addition of Siembieda-a former television reporter, news anchor and current radio sports talk show host-bolsters a fledgling organization that has brought events like a World Cup soccer exhibition to Albuquerque, professional boxing to Hobbs and, um, the National Collegiate Equestrian Championship to Santa Fe.
If anybody knows how to make sports more palatable to the masses, it's a former television reporter. But rather than settling for third-tier events like the International Squash Championships or an exhibition game between the Chicago Whoevers and the Denver Nobodies, SFR humbly suggests Siembieda and the Sports Authority up the ante. If New Mexico wants to be on the national sporting map, it needs to create its own monumental athletic events in tune with the pulse of the land. SFR has a few sporting suggestions.
***image1***Radiation Run Marathon
Marathons are typically a bore. Nobody wants to watch malnourished accountants run for five hours in short shorts. Even triathlons-where spectators are tantalized by the prospect of a swimmer being eaten by snapping turtles or a biker pedaling off a cliff-are a yawn. Not so with the Radiation Run. The starting gun will be the detonation of a small nuclear bomb, provided by the friendly folks at Los Alamos National Laboratory. Competitors will scramble to outrun the subsequent mushroom cloud and rippling waves of radiation. First person to sprint out of the blast radius without developing lymphoma wins.
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World 'weed Rolling Championships
Most people are unaware that tumbleweeds do not, in fact, roll themselves. Seasoned competitors must battle the elements while using steely instinct and a soft touch to roll their 'weeds across the desert and onto Interstate 25 where athletes earn extra points by lodging their brittle branches of botany in the grills of cars whizzing past.
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Cock-n-Balls Tournament
New Mexico isn't afraid to rock out with its cocks out. By which we mean it's the only state besides Louisiana to allow roosters to turn each other into rotisserie in the name of sport. Instead of being ashamed of cockfighting we think the answer is to add a touch of class to the carnage. Each evening of this four-day competition will culminate with a black-tie charity gala held in a chicken-coop-turned-ballroom. It'll ruffle some feathers, sure. But that's kind of the point. And we're willing to throw a chicken bone to animal advocates too. The undercard matches will feature members of PETA thrown into the ring with Kentucky Fried Chicken executives, both with razor blades tethered to their talons.
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The Real Longest Yard
We respect prison guards. But that doesn't mean we don't derive some sadistic pleasure from watching them get their heads pounded in. And while we appreciate the intricacies of the original Longest Yard and the recent remake filmed at the New Mexico State Penitentiary, it's only sporting to give actual inmates a chance for an epic dust-up in the exercise yard. Besides, there's gotta be somebody currently residing in Cell Block 5 that can throw a football better than Adam Sandler.
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UFO: Ultimate Freak Olympics
Some chaste citizens are repulsed by the notion that New Mexico is a premier extraterrestrial vacation destination. We say let that freak flag fly. It isn't every day, after all, that pale 32-year-old conspiracy buffs get out of their mother's basements long enough to see the light of day, let alone engage in an athletic competition that doesn't involve an Xbox and a six-pound bag of Cheetos. Spectators will cringe at the agony of defeat in the Anal Probe event, cheer at the craftsmanship in the Crop Circle competition and be in awe of the intellectual fortitude exhibited by athletes debating dialogue between Mulder and Scully in the thrilling Who's the Biggest X-Files Nerd test of wits.
