Stump all your dumb friends with this Beethoven costume.
Yes! It’s Halloween! That means it’s time to dress as weirdly as you want and take advantage of any excuse to party! But wait…what to wear? Fear not, dear readers. Simply follow any of my music-inspired suggestions for another great year of candy, booze and girls dressed like hos.
David Bowie
Duh. Nothing says costumes and theatrics like the Thin White Duke. Bowie’s keen eye for fashion and gender-bending weirdness lend themselves perfectly to a Halloween ensemble. Whether you choose the ultra-glam Ziggy Stardust era or go for the inescapable charisma of Labyrinth’s Jareth, you can hit the clubs and parties feeling confident that you’ll never wear pants that tight nor tease your hair that tall again.
Flava Flav
This is perfect for a last-minute costume. All you really need is a clock on a chain, a stupid hat and a needlessly churlish attitude mixed with idiotic statements rooted in nothingness. If you want to be extremely authentic, be sure to bring a Chuck D-type along. All you need is someone insanely talented who keeps you around in his hip-hop project despite there being no discernible reason to do so.
Devo
If you’ve got four friends and none of you know what to be, why not go as Devo? Not only do you get to wear those cool hats, you also get to roll deep in nerd style! Choosing who gets to be Mark Mothersbaugh may prove tricky. And although bassist Gerald Casale is undeniably cool, nobody wants to be the bassist. No one is actually going to ask you which member of Devo you are, anyway, unless you run into my dumb friends—in which case you need only remind yourself that anyone willing to be my friend isn’t worth your time.
Mick Jagger
This outfit requires the following:
• being too old for your own good
• clothes too tight for your own good
• an irritatingly cocky swagger
• a mouth so big people wonder if you were given the “buck fifty” by the Bloods (google it)
• the power of immortality
Billy Corgan
Should you choose to go for what I like to call “Shitty Corgan,” a bit of sacrifice is in order. You not only need to shave your head, but also sport totally heavy death robes. Additionally, you have to spend the evening as a sniveling, whiny brat based on what is probably one of the worst albums ever made (Adore). Should you decide to go for what I like to call “Corgan Classic,” all you need is a ratty, old ice-cream-truck-driver’s uniform covered in paint.
Janis Joplin
This outfit should be easy enough, provided your mom still has some clothes from her wild days of hedonism. Finding the right sunglasses is easy (what’s up, the mall?), but letting your hair get that greasy is challenging unless you’re already gross. If you want to go for that extra layer of realism, get as drunk and stoned as humanly possible.
Any Metalcore “Musician” Ever
Go to a barber and ask for the stupidest asymmetrical haircut ever, dye it black and then lose so much weight your family considers an intervention. Learn to squeal in pig-like fashion and drain any ounce of originality out of a genre that was abandoned years ago by its best acts. Walk around with a big chip on your shoulder like you invented music and draw huge Xs on your hands.
Beethoven
You need a wig, some pancake mix to make your face look all bleached out, a ruffled shirt and some stockings. Anything else is pointless for, I’m sure, no one cares what your costume is anyway.
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