***image1***A column for anyone with questions about love.
Do you have a burning question about love? Write to TheTaoofLove@aol.com.
Hello Duncan,
I've been mindtripping about something you've mentioned more than once in your column. It's the idea of settling for less with a partner. Sure, nobody wants to knowingly do that, at least for any extended period of time (unless, of course, they're deathly afraid of being alone). But what has me thinking is the whole concept of settling. Isn't life about compromises, acceptance and flexibility? Since we both agree that there's no such thing as the perfect partner, then what's wrong with being with someone with whom we're not 100 percent compatible? Let me give you an example of settling for less. I'd like to live in something bigger than a shoebox, but given the cost of SF rents, I don't have a big choice with regard to bigger spaces right now. I'm having to MAKE DO with what's available.
Likewise, that's the case with a partnership. The guy I'm seeing isn't perfect, but he treats me well, the sex is great and we view the world from similar perspectives. However, he's broke and he's not my match intellectually. On a good day, I think our connection is fine. On a bad day, I start wondering if I'm settling for less. But how does one really know? And is it so bad?
Thanks, Anonymous
(Author's note: Last week, I injured my back. So I've been eating painkillers like they're M&M's. Please bear this in mind while reading my response.)
Here are my thoughts about settling-you have to figure out if you're playing dodgeball or building a flagstone patio. Before I explain, let me comment on your current relationship. Your boyfriend treats you well, the sex is great and you have similar perspectives. Stop your frickin' whining! He's broke-so what, Jesus was broke. He's not your match intellectually-so what, if you were really smart, you'd recognize that smarts are not that important (if I had a dollar for every "genius" I know who doesn't have the slightest clue about how to be happy, I'd be a millionaire). Moving on. Many states in this country have banned the game of dodgeball in their public schools because it's too competitive and it can damage a child's self esteem. I think dodgeball is great because it teaches us about life.
"Fortune favors the brave."
-Virgil,
The Aeneid
Love is like dodgeball. Potential romantic partners are like rubber balls thrown at us with great velocity by a big bully. If we run away from the ball, we can avoid getting hurt for a while, but eventually, we will lose. If we try to catch the ball, we might get hit in the face, knocked to the ground, and look foolish-but we develop a good habit; the habit of taking risks in order to gain. If you're the kind of person who tries to catch the ball, then you're probably not settling. If you're the kind of person who runs away from the ball (then grows up to be somebody who whines about competition), there's a good chance you're settling. Maybe you're with your current boyfriend because you're afraid of getting back in the game and getting smacked in the face by a rubber ball.
On the other hand, there's flagstone. I hurt my back because I've been moving very large pieces of flagstone around my backyard trying to piece together the perfect flagstone patio. It's impossible to make the perfect flagstone patio. Love is like a flagstone patio. First, you get a big pile of flagstone (which is like a guy or a girl). Then, you go about trying to fit all the pieces together as snugly as possible. But some pieces don't fit together as well as you'd like, and you have to accept a certain number of cracks in the final product. But some people can't accept imperfections and keep moving pieces around until their backs get screwed up and they have to steal their roommates' painkillers. Of course, you could buy sev- eral piles of flagstone until you find just the right combination of pieces, but if you did that with people, you'd have a Frankenstein monster type boyfriend-which is not only weird, but leaves you with a lot of spare body parts lying around.
