***image1***A column for anyone with questions about love.
Do you have a burning question about love? Write to TheTaoofLove@aol.com.
Dear Duncan,
Five years ago, I made a deal with my best friend. The deal was this-that we would get married in five years, after we both have sowed some wild oats. Actually, he didn't really need to sow any oats because he's spent most of his life sowing oats. I, however, have spent most of my life working on my career and being involved in monogamous relationships that lasted for years. Now it's five years later, and it's time to get married. I love him and I can think of nobody that I'd rather spend my life with. The problem is, I haven't been sowing my oats. In fact, I've only had two relationships in the last five years (and one of them was with a guy I had already been with before the five-year wild-oat-sowing period began (so, in a way, I've really only been with one guy). Instead of dating, I've been focused almost entirely on my career (which is going well, but doesn't make my panties wet).
I love my friend and I don't want to mess up our deal, because I would like to marry him, eventually. But then I wouldn't get to sow my wild oats, unless we had some kind of open relationship thing (which is not for me).
So what do I do? If I sow my oats, I risk losing a wonderful guy and my best friend. If I get married, I might turn into some weird ghost woman who spends her time fantasizing about all the good times she never had.
Signed,
Waiting For Your Advice
You're screwed.
No, just kidding. Your problem sounds more difficult than it is. If you get married now, you will definitely spend lots of time thinking about the good times you never had. However, if you ask your friend for an 18-month extension, there's at least a chance that he will accept your terms (remember, that's also an 18-month wild-oat extension for him). Since he's already waited five years, I suspect he'd be willing to wait a little longer. But let's say he's not willing to wait. That's not a very good sign. First, he should know that it's not the worst thing in the world that you haven't been sleeping around like James Bond for the last five years. Second, he should realize that he isn't going to be happy married to a "ghost woman" who's always fantasizing about the boy at the grocery. If your friend isn't wise enough to figure this out for himself, you probably don't want to marry him anyway.
Dear Duncan,
Where have you been for the last the last month? Each week, I open the paper and go straight to your column, but there's nothing. What gives? Did you quit? Did you get fired? Did you die? Where the hell did you go?
For the last month, I've been living as a woman in Kansas City. I've been trying to get inside the female mind by getting inside some female outfits (I borrowed clothes from my cousin-she's big-boned). Let me share what I have learned: Most women don't like Angelina Jolie. They don't like her for a few reasons. First, she's exotic. I'm not sure what makes her exotic-maybe it's the big lips, or her affection for knives, or her scary tattoos-but she's definitely exotic, and most American females don't like exotic women. They prefer non-exotic women with whom they can easily identify, like Jennifer Aniston. Which brings us to reason number two, some women are mad at Jolie for "stealing" Brad Pitt. Since many women identify with Aniston, she provided a vicarious connection to Brad Pitt. Now that he's with an exotic, knife-wielding, poofy-lipped girl, these women can't project themselves into her place. Finally, Angelina Jolie has a sultry, sexy, almost slutty (okay, skanky) vibe that a lot of men find attractive. Jennifer Aniston, not so much. Now that he's with Jolie, women know that Brad Pitt likes a girl who puts out, and they find that depressing.
I also learned that women are depressed by nose hair.
