***image1***A column for anyone with questions about love.
Do you have a burning question about love? Write to TheTaoofLove@aol.com.
Dear Steve,
When I met my girlfriend, we hit it off pretty damn good. We had lots in common, we always had fun, and everything was great. After a while, we decided we should move in together. So, we did. Then, after about two months, she started acting a little different. Before we moved in, she was extremely low-maintenance. She didn't care that I smoked (or what I smoked), what I ate, or what I drank. Now, she watches everything I smoke, drink, etc. If I light up a cigarette, she gives me that disappointed look. If I order a third drink, she gives me that disappointed look. If she sees a bag from McDonald's in the trash can…well, you get the idea. Here's my question: Is every woman this way, or was my girl being extra tricky?
Oh please, like you've never pretended to be something you're not. Clearly, every woman doesn't pretend to be low-maintenance, but most of them do (obvious exceptions include actresses, models, Martha Stewart, Hillary Clinton and girls with more than two cats). A woman pretending to be low-maintenance is very much like a man pretending to listen when a woman talks about her friends. Obviously, there are exceptions to every rule, but, in general, I think straight women pretend to be low-maintenance and straight men pretend to listen. What's much more interesting is gay people. Do gay women pretend to be low-maintenance with each other? There's the old joke about what a lesbian brings on a second date: a U-Haul. Sounds pretty high-maintenance to me. Maybe since all gay women are women, they don't pretend to be low-maintenance anymore (but I seriously doubt it). What about gay men? Do they pretend to listen to each other, or do they really care about what the other guy is saying? Maybe they don't say anything because they're both guys and they both know the other guy would just be pretending to listen, so why bother? This would go a long way in explaining gay male relationships-if they do a lot less talking than straight people, you can sign me up for the next train to Gaytown. I bet even gay guys have to pretend to listen occasionally. Pretending is hard to avoid. Even emotionally healthy people pretend sometimes (usually, they pretend to be have regular, neurotic insecurities-this is done to prevent unhealthy people from getting all jealous and depressed). Maybe your girlfriend wasn't pretending. Consider this possibility-she met you, didn't know you well, didn't care what you smoke, spent time with you, fell in love, decided she didn't want you to die of lung cancer, then started caring about what you smoke.
Even if she was pretending, everybody pretends at the beginning of a relationship. At the very least, we don't come right out with a list of our biggest shortcomings ("hello, my name's Ray, and I've overwhelmed every woman I've ever dated with my neediness and massive insecurity"). Even hotels pretend to be something they're not. Last week, I took my ostensible, ersatz, quasi ex-girlfriend to Taos for her birthday. The plan was to have a nice dinner and spend the night in a fancy hotel near the plaza. Naturally, I called several hotels in Taos to ask if they were A) fancy, and B) near the plaza. Much to my surprise, almost every hotel was "fancy" and "near the plaza." So, I made a reservation. When we arrived at The Bullshit Inn (I've changed the name to protect the innocent), we were depressed to find the hotel was A) under construction, and B) near Denver. We decided to find another hotel, but few rooms were available. Eventually, I told my story of hotel deception to Joy, the manager at the Fechin Inn (a real hotel in Taos). She gave me a better room, in a better hotel, at a better price (in fact, it was among the nicest hotels I've ever seen). Maybe, if you leave your girlfriend, you'll find something better (or maybe you'll just be alone, cold and frightened in the middle of Taos). Joy said lots of hotels lie about being close to the plaza because plaza-proximity is very attractive…sort of like low-maintenance women and guys who listen.
