***image1***A column for anyone with questions about love.
Do you have a burning question about love? Write to TheTaoofLove@aol.com.
Dear Duncan,
I have a question about blowjobs (have you had any of those yet?). I've been dating my girlfriend for almost three years and even though we don't live together, we spend pretty much every night sleeping together. In the beginning, we had lots of sex. Then, we had less sex, then it became pretty much blowjobs half the time and sex half the time. When my girlfriend isn't in the mood, she will usually give me a blowjob.
So here's my question: How many blowjobs a week should a guy reasonably expect? I don't want to piss her off by pushing for sex all the time, but I'm getting a little tired of jerking off in the bathroom. Right now, I'd say I get about three blowjobs a month and regular sex about twice a month. These numbers seem low to me. Do you agree?
When you ask, "have you had any of those yet," do you mean questions about blowjobs, or do you mean blowjobs themselves? If you're asking about questions, the answer is yes. If you're asking about blowjobs, the answer is no; however, I've heard they're terrific and I plan on getting one just as soon as I put together a résumé.
Yes, your numbers are low-wayyyyy low. I bet your girlfriend thinks they're low, too. You need to shake up your relationship. Take a trip together, create a date night, try role-reversal, try sex toys, or try breaking up. I don't know, so we should move on.
How many blowjobs should a man expect? Well, that depends on who you are-so I've written different answers for different readers.
Answer for Straight Women: You shouldn't expect any blowjobs. Women weren't put on this earth just to suck your Willy Hang-Down. You're probably not putting enough effort into your relationship. Try taking your girlfriend to a nice dinner. Ask her what she wants from life, ask her about her dreams. Afterwards, go for a nice walk around the Plaza. Have a drink at her favorite bar. When you get home, ask your girlfriend what you can do for her. Start by rubbing her feet, then stop when you get to the back of her neck. Kiss her neck. Kiss everything else. If that doesn't get you a blowjob, I'll buy you a pony.
Answer for Gay Women: Like we even care about blowjobs.
Answer for Gay Men: See, this is why I stopped dating women.
Answer for Straight Men: Regarding blowjobs, there are four types of women. What you expect depends on which type of woman you're dating. For the sake of science, I shall now identify each type. Many women insist that ALL women hate giving blowjobs. Obviously, this is a crock of shit, so we won't discuss it further. However, some women do indeed hate giving blowjobs, and we shall call them "lesbians." Just kidding, we shall call them "dworkins" (after the famous feminist and man-hating crazy
person, Andrea Dworkin). Next, there are "stokers." Stokers don't like blowjobs either, but they will perform blowjobs when they're trying to get your man-hammer stoked up for sexual congress. Then, we have "tokers," girls who occasionally take a puff off the pipe, but not every day. Finally, there are "smokers." Smokers can't get enough of your love-call it an Oral Dependency Character Structure, or just call it the most fun you've ever had in a restaurant, but smokers love to have something in their mouth, and their favorite thing is usually a piece of male-specific reproductive organ. Many women deny the existence of smokers because the thought of women who love blowjobs is threatening to the larger female population (it's similar to how men feel about the possible existence of great-looking men who are also smart and funny). Your girlfriend is a toker, and you can't make a toker into a smoker by dipping your wing-wang in some ice cream. If you love her, get used to sticky tissues. If you don't, find a smoker for your one-eyed Joker.
