***image1***A column for anyone with questions about love.
Do you have a burning question about love? Write to TheTaoofLove@aol.com.
I was at a party, when I was approached by an attractive, heavily tattooed couple. The guy was friendly and told me how much he enjoyed reading my column. The girl merely smiled-a coquettish smile that said, "You know I know you know I'm hot." Her appearance and demeanor seemed carefully contrived to create the maximum sexual impact-the exotic tattoos that caress her shoulders, the tongue piercing, the red pouty lips and the Marilyn Monroe decolletage. To many, she would appear the picture of confident, female sexual empowerment. To others, she might seem a dangerous tart who threatens happy relationships, or a reckless tease who casually crushes egos. But, perhaps, there are those who will see an insecure woman who receives both strength and sadness from the lust reflected upon her in other peoples' eyes. Let us call her "Veronica."
Over the last few years, as I wandered Santa Fe in search of love and karaoke, I would occasionally see Veronica. Whenever we crossed paths, she would give me the same look. Now bear in mind, a look is different than a smile. Your smile could be saying, "It's a pretty day," while your look is saying, "Does anybody have some Xanax?" Veronica's smile said the same thing it did before (about being hot) but her look said, "Just because I met you once, that doesn't mean you have a chance of getting any of this."
About six months ago, I saw Veronica walking into a bar, arm in arm with another woman (let's call her "the woman Veronica dated briefly"). Veronica said she'd broken up with her boyfriend and was now dating women. In the brief conversation that followed, she said the lack of acceptable men in Santa Fe had driven her to dating girls (you have to admire a statement that's equally capable of offending straight men and lesbians).
Last week, I saw Veronica at another party, where I met her friend, "Betty." Betty's persona, though more casual than Veronica's, was equally studied-designed not (entirely) for sexual impact, but for spiritual impact. Betty communicated with her eyes, and her eyes said, "I'm looking at you. I'm looking for the real person, not the mask. Have you read Carl Jung? What do you have to say? Go ahead, tell me what you're really thinking." Betty is what you'd call mental. I don't mean mental "crazy," I mean she likes to think. Speaking of which, let's return to Betty's internal dialogue-"Are you looking at the real me, or are you looking at my face, or my body? Are all men driven by desire? Buddha said desire is the root of suffering? Do you think of me as just a piece of ass? I want to be liked for my mind, not my appearance." When Betty says she can't enjoy sex unless she connects mentally with a person, you believe her, even if you question her ostensible disregard for appearances. One wonders, is it easier to transcend appearances when you're young, thin, and beautiful?
In many ways, Betty and Veronica appear very different. However, like Veronica, Betty is now dating girls (but not Veronica, they're just friends-though they did make out for a movie). Betty and Veronica are not alone. Santa Fe is full of women who have been disappointed by people with penises. Like water pouring out of a leaky dam, women are beginning to pour out of the Lake of Man-Loving Women. How can we (guys) put a finger in the dike (sorry about the pun)? What are men going to do to stop losing our women? I have the answer-absolutely nothing. If men were willing to change, we wouldn't lose women in the first place.
In a few days, Betty and Veronica are leaving Santa Fe. Which is sad for men and gay women alike. They are both interesting, complicated women-"spiritual" Betty is a flirt who's attracted to tall, skinny guys, while "superficial" Veronica really wants to be inspired. Now, you won't have a chance to flirt with or inspire either of them.
Maybe it's time for a change.
