***image1***
Dear Duncan,
I was recently in a five-week relationship with an intelligent, slightly geeky man who was kind, supportive, generous and attentive. He was wonderful with my dogs, vacuumed my floor, dug my garden and brought me delicious foods. Though I was hesitant at first, it did not take long for my feelings to start to catch up with his.
In the course of those five weeks, we broke up three times, the first when he refused to wear a condom and then proceeded to deride me, my friends, my ex-boyfriends who had cheerfully volunteered to use prophylactics and my entire world view for even thinking condoms were a good idea. I forgave him when he said he was sorry, that he'd been a jerk, that I was right, etc. The second was after he told me that he was starting to feel like less of a loser now that he was with an attractive woman, so other women were starting to like him and he stood me up in favor of dating one of them. Again, I forgave him after the usual apologies. The last time, we had just spent a dizzying week or so in love, planning our futures together, and we only had two nights left before he went abroad for a several-month volunteer position. He said he'd be home to spend the evening with me, but I didn't hear from him until morning, when he called and said he'd been a jerk, was sorry, etc. He was surprised when I told him to come get his belongings-which we'd planned to leave in my garage while he was away-and be gone.
When things were going well, this man would often hug me and say that things were so beautiful, he was afraid they would crash any minute. My compassion says that his insecurity convinced him of the inevitability of failure, so he created it to get it over with. My desperation at ever finding a good man in Santa Fe says that I should forgive him yet again, hope his journey heals his immaturity and do my bit to heal his insecurity through patient application of love. My common sense says I'm out of my mind.
Who's right?
I'd say your common sense is right-if you had any.
Perhaps your "desperation at ever finding a good man" drives you to such irrational, whacked-out behavior, but you should be more concerned with your own immaturity/insecurity. Let's do the math-it was a five-week relationship and your last breakup was after a "dizzying week or so" during which you planned your future together. You were planning your future with a man you'd only dated for three weeks or so, a man with whom you'd already broken up twice (once because he was dating another woman) and you think he's immature. Are you familiar with the word "oblivious?"
"He Self-Destructed Because of Insecurity" is the oldest crutch in the Woman's Book of Mershen. Look at your own unconscious, not his. That argument gives you a reason to take him back and protects your self-esteem from the knowledge that he wants to date other hot chicks.
Obviously, you're in pain and I don't want to kick you when you're down, but my job is to entertain and your letter screams out for ridicule. Of course the guy's a jerk-that's a given. But the guy didn't write me and he probably doesn't give a rat's ass about what I think, so I'll try to get through to you.
Don't believe the movies-romantic love is not the ultimate goal of your life, nor is it a constitutional right. Your goal in life is to become closer to God. If you're a pagan (by that, I mean secular humanist), then your goal is to become the best person you can imagine. Either way, your desperate pursuit of romantic love has turned you into a delusional nut-burger who thinks about spending her future with immature geeks you've only dated for a few weeks.
Speaking of which, you must have laid this guy within the first week (or so). Just because an intelligent, attentive, generous, supportive, volunteer-dude likes your dogs, vacuums your floor and brings you some food, you shouldn't let him dig in your garden.
