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Dear Duncan,
You said that you thought that Love Stew from last week was a woman and I thought it was a man. Maybe it was a bisexual! Anyway, what I want to talk about today is relationships that are built on neediness rather than true appreciation and affection. Case in point, I've known and liked a guy for quite a while, although, I don't like everything about him as in some of his behaviors. He is seeing another woman who I feel may not be right for him.
I had a dream the other day that he was in a hospital bed all bruised up. She was there. I said to him, "You don't want to marry your mother." My feeling in the dream was that he is insecure and likes her because he views her as strong, a mother to take care of him. He has always had too much of a dependent personality and was dependent on his best friend for years and years. He seems to need to have someone to follow around like a puppy dog. I would like for him to develop more manliness and confidence. We all have a little girl or boy inside our adult self, but, if we are mainly a child and not an adult when past 30, we are emotionally stunted and undeveloped and dependent.
A friend of mine, years ago, used the term "sick symbiotic relationship" which means that the union of the two is not healthy. It serves some kind of need that isn't healthy. Although I'm sure we've all "been there and done that" in our relationships, I'm just concerned that this guy won't grow if he spends his life with people who are strong for him, which keeps him from becoming self-confident. Also, whenever she talks about him, she talks about his looks and his body. She never mentions the things that I like about him-which is his smarts, wit and sense of humor. She once mentioned to me that she enjoyed making another woman she dislikes jealous by being with him as he is good-looking. So I see her using him for ego gratification and superficial things and him using her for the confidence that he lacks. Anyway, I don't really care that much what you have to say. I just wanted to discuss this in your column.
I have a question: Can you still enjoy food with that bitter taste in your mouth?
Clearly, it drives you crazy that your would-be boyfriend chose some shallow woman who doesn't appreciate his sense of humor instead of choosing you. Speaking of shallow-are you honestly suggesting you don't like this guy for his good looks and body? When someone criticizes another person, they are almost always talking about themselves, and I suspect that you are no exception. Like many women, you can't acknowledge your own superficiality, probably because one of the things you really admire about yourself is how incredibly deep you are. Isn't that what separates you from this "other woman"-she's motivated by selfish desires, whereas you just want the best thing for everybody, which would be for this guy to date you instead of her.
mershen (n): 1) reasoning about things we cannot know; 2) opinions disguised as facts; 3) subtly deceptive reasoning; 4) theories claiming to describe another person's motives or state of mind, especially theories meant to explain what's wrong with another person; 5) wisdom from a fool 6) excellent lying
Your letter is one of the biggest boatloads of mershen I've ever read. Instead of analyzing other people, you should consider taking a good look at yourself (unless you are a professional, like me; in which case, please continue to cloak your envy in self-righteous mershen).
Do you have a burning question about love? Write to TheTaoofLove@aol.com.
