Practical spirituality for a complicated world.
***image1***Today's column is put together in order to inspire a few chuckles and laughs. I got a call from Crystal Starchild the other day. She'll be in Santa Fe soon, at St. Mammon's Church, to teach her ever popular seminar, "Abundance for Losers." While she's here, she's also planning to organize a potluck planning supper to introduce her latest project, the New Mexico Department of Hugs and Kisses. She has tentatively scheduled a personal appearance at Tia Angela's Beauty Corner, in Pojoaque, as well as Dora's House of Polyester, in Española. She will be available to sign copies of
Far Off Take Out,
her best selling book of vegetarian recipes channeled from the Pleiades. We'll have more information on Crystal as things develop.
The following quotations came to me via a mass e-mailing. The material was not attributed to any author, so I'm assuming it is public property. I thought it was very entertaining. I hope you'll enjoy it, as well.
In the Miss USA contest, Miss Alabama was asked, "If you could live forever, would you, and why, or why not?" The attractive young woman replied, "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
The singer Mariah Carey once said, "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
The actress Brooke Shields during an interview to film an advertisement for a federal anti-smoking campaign, supposedly stated, "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Winston Bennett, a basketball player for the University of Kentucky, declared, "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
The mayor of Washington DC, Marion Barry, once said, "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
Hillary Rodham Clinton (no introduction needed…this is Santa Fe, and most of the folks here worship her), during one of the numerous investigations into her allegedly illegal activities (I said allegedly!), once stated, "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
Irascible (although absolutely fabulous) Santa Fe Reporter columnist Robert Ransom Odom, after commenting unfavorably on Hillary Rodham Clinton, reminds everyone, "Remember, Santa Fe, like Washington, DC, also has a Ft. Marcy Park, a convenient place to dump bodies."
A politician running for state office in Texas said of his opponent, "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
The manager of the Philadelphia Phillies told an interviewer, "Half this game is 90 percent mental."
Environmental author/activist and US vice-president Al Gore offered this assessment: "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Another US vice-president, Dan Quayle, said, "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
Colonel Wellman, an ROTC instructor, explained the military's anti-gay policy by stating, "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
Entrepreneur Lee Iaccoca, in testifying about environmental pollution standards, provided us with this gem: "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
President Bill Clinton observed that "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
Here is another mote of wisdom from former Vice-President Al Gore, "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
NFL player and analyst Joe Theisman said, "The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Keppel Enderbery, a commentator from "down under," offered this observation: "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
FCC Chairman Mark Fowler, introducing new telephone technology, explained, "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed, and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
And finally, the following notice was mailed out by the Department of Social Services in Greenville, South Carolina: "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
I will keep you updated on the latest from Crystal Starchild. Meanwhile, don't forget to smile.
OM
To ask Robert a question, visit his Web site at www.RobertOdom.com, email desertrj@msn.com or send mail to PO Box 33, Santa Fe, NM 87504.
