Practical spirituality for a complicated world.
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Today's column is an interview with the well-know New Age personality, Crystal Starchild. Some absolutely adore Crystal. I also hear from those who don't care for her, at all. Her speech is annoying. She uses "like" far too often. She rambles. It has been said she is shallow. Crystal is not shallow. She has simply dived in as deep as she's able to go. But, if we can laugh once in a while, despite all the heaviness around, that's a good thing. I, for one, say "Thank goodness for Crystal Starchild".
Robert:
Hi Crystal. How are you?
Crystal:
Oh, great. Santa Fe is like one of my favourite places to visit. And I like always enjoy talking with you, Richard.
Robert:
It's Robert.
Crystal:
Oh, is he here, too?
Robert:
Never mind. Would you care to order lunch before we start the interview?
Crystal:
Why yes, Richard, let's order and then we'll be like free to chat, or whatever. (Speaking to waiter) I'll have the blackened enchiladas, arugula salad with jicama pesto, pontabla mushrooms stuffed with water chestnuts, and Mongolian seaweed chai. Oh, I just love traditional Northern New Mexican food! You are like so lucky to live here, Richard. What is the name of this restaurant?
Robert:
Trendy de Santa Fe.
Crystal:
It is like so cool, so really, really cool. Do you think they could like turn up the heat?
Robert:
We'll ask, if the waiter ever comes back. Now Crystal, I understand you're here promoting your new book, "The Doggy Poker Code". It's such an intriguing title. What is this new book about?
Crystal:
Thank you, Richard. Well, it's about a big discovery I like made by accident, after purchasing a painting to like redecorate my living room. I chose a picture which was like really interesting, and had different breeds of dogs sitting at a table, and like playing cards...poker, actually. Then, I started to like notice clues hidden in the picture, even in the frame, which other people didn't like see. What I found was a secret code that like romantically connected Helen of Troy to Buddha. For centuries, people had the story wrong, and Helen wasn't like captured. She had like eloped with Buddha, which like upset many people, and they like created these legends to cover up the scandal. It was like a love story, and Buddha and Helen of Troy went like far away and lived like happily ever after, in a small town in Montana, which they like named after Helen, but added an "a" at the end, as a like secret clue that they were like foreigners.
Robert:
Aren't you concerned about offending Buddhists?
Crystal:
Oh, I don't think Helen of Troy was a Buddhist, was she? Anyway, I think it's like okay if you don't put them in like cartoons, or something.
Robert:
You actually found a publisher for this?
Crystal:
Oh yes, Richard. There was like a bidding war with major publishers, to like buy the rights. And my Hollywood agent like got me a contact to write screenplays.
Robert:
You have an agent in Hollywood?
Crystal:
Yes. She says that they like look for people like me who don't like get too pushy or creative, and who like write about secret codes and straight cowboys. I'm writing for a like really neat network called, "Lifeline, Television for Wusses". I'm doing a series of "Movies of the Week", about innocent women who are like betrayed and beaten up, and stalked by men. I've got like a lot of freedom to like come up with original stories for the Lifeline Network, as long as they like fit the theme of women being like betrayed by men. It's like very exciting and well paying. I like gave them an outline for one story that they have like nominated for an award (A Golden Restraining Order), before the screenplay is even like written. It's about a woman who is like abused by a man, because she is like really strong, and he is like threatened by that. I also asked if I could like do a story about a man whose wife like betrayed him, but they said no. But, then they said, "We need to do like something about men", so we put together this show of like funny videos of men being like shot, or attacked, or hit in the crotch, you know, like really funny things, because men like have their place, too. I just love Hollywood, because it is like so inclusive.
Robert:
Is your publisher doing anything to promote "The Doggy Poker Code"?
Crystal:
Oh yes, Richard. They like have a contest to spot clues hidden in the picture of the dogs playing cards. They have several like really neat prizes. First Prize is a like really exciting bird watching trip with Vice President Cheney, but you have to like bring your own body armour. Second Prize is a guided tour of Cape Cod, personally chauffeured by Ted Kennedy, but you have to like bring your own personal flotation device. Third Prize is a total facial makeover, personally designed by Michael Jackson, but you really should like arrange your own babysitter. You really, really should.
Robert:
So Crystal, are you experiencing good sales with the new book?
Crystal:
It is better than we like expected. It has like crossed over from New Age into other genres. You know, my other bestseller was fun, but it was like vegetarian recipes channeled from the Pleiades, which was really nice, but not really like my own idea, you know, even though I like got paid a lot, and all. This new book about a secret code hidden in a picture, revealing an historic scandal is like my own original idea, Richard.
Robert:
Crystal, it's Robert.
Crystal:
(Looking over her shoulder and from side to side) Where? I still don't see him.
Robert:
Never mind. Will you be doing anything else in town, while you're promoting the book?
Crystal:
That is like really kind of you to ask, Richard. You know I usually like teach my popular workshop, "Abundance for Losers", which is like really helpful for poor people who don't like have much money. I have discovered that if they like get some money, they stop being so poor, and like buy stuff. It's my way of like giving back something, you know? But this visit, I don't like have time, and I really don't want to anyway. Nothing personal, but poor people can be like so needy.
Robert:
Thankfully, we've run out of time and space, so we'll need to wind things up.
Crystal:
Thank you very much, Richard. It is always like so good seeing you. Where is the waiter with our lunch?
Robert:
Here at Trendy de Santa Fe, the waiters don't have too much contact with the customers. They usually only come to your table to bring the check and collect their tip. Don't say anything, or you'll offend them.
Crystal:
I won't like upset them. After all, they were like named "Most Surly" in the Best of Santa Fe, weren't they?
Robert:
Yes. Let's just over pay, over tip, and go.
Crystal:
Oh Richard, I think I like left my wallet back in my suite at the Hotel La Teeda.
Robert:
I'll take care of it. Let's just go. (Robert and Crystal quickly and unobtrusively leave Trendy de Santa Fe, as the waiters, with practiced precision, collect the tip and ignore them.)
Thanks for allowing me to indulge Crystal Starchild, once again. A laugh once in a while never hurt anyone. OM
To ask Robert a question, visit his Web site at www.RobertOdom.com, email desertrj@msn.com or send mail to PO Box 33, Santa Fe, NM 87504.
