It's all the governor, all the time.
***image1***Bill Richardson is all about the kids. Which is why he has dubbed his 2006 legislative agenda the "Year of the Child." But it's all about the governor when it comes to New Mexico politics and 2005's unofficial title may as well have been the "Year of Richardson."
In the spirit of another tale of a humble leader's rise to prominence-OK, Monty Python's
Life of Brian
-here are some of the highlights from the Life of Bill: 2005.
April 6:
Richardson signs three bills requiring all DWI offenders to have an interlock ignition device installed on their vehicles. A provision requiring the installation of brain implants relaying the governor's "You drink, you drive, you lose!" mantra is shelved in committee.
April 9:
Live, from New Mexico, it's Saturday night! Well, not quite. But the governor passes a critical litmus test when he's spoofed with eerie aplomb by Horatio Sanz on
Saturday Night Live
. Having Barry Gibb (Jimmy Fallon) threaten to gut Richardson like a fish with a Bowie knife in the
SNL
skit earns the governor points with the Bass Masters demographic.
May 6:
Richardson hosts the Democratic Governor's Association party at the 131st running of the Kentucky Derby. Emboldened by the victory of 50-1 long shot Giacomo, the governor repeatedly purrs, "I do duh-clare" in his best Southern belle accent. Iowa Gov. Tom Vilsack sulks in his mint julep when Richardson doesn't compliment him on his fancy hat.
June 7:
Bill arrives in New Hampshire for a two-day visit. Speaking at a Vision Hispana Latino Summit at Southern New Hampshire University (gooooo Penmen!), Richardson informs the press in attendance that he will not be running for president in 2008 before slyly adding-in Spanish-"But yes I am." ¡Ole!
June 23:
Life in the fast lane has its consequences. Namely, speeding tickets. Richardson officially vows to slow down after his driver-blazing down an interstate frontage road-refuses to stop for an Albuquerque police officer.
July 8:
Richardson highlights the state's "Summer on the Screen" with at least three New Mexico productions-
The Longest Yard, Into the West
and
Wildfire
-and several more-including
North Country, The Astronaut Farmer, Bordertown
and
Seraphim Falls
-in the works. Given the state's new-found Hollywood connections-which has reportedly pumped $400 million into the state economy-the governor briefly entertains growing a ponytail.
August 31:
Braving a jet stream of criticism, the state's spanking new $5.45 million Cessna Citation Bravo jet-advocated by Richardson-arrives in Santa Fe from its Wichita manufacturer. Regrettably, the plane is not christened "Wild Bill's Flying Circus."
October 14:
Richardson announces he's trading in his gas-guzzling Lincoln Navigator for a new Ford Escape hybrid SUV. Environmental activists praise the move, but decline to comment on the merits of Richardson's proposed "If it's Yellow, let it Mellow, if it's Brown, Flush it Down" water conservation policy.
October 15:
The governor leaves Santa Fe on a diplomatic mission to North Korea to discuss peace and nuclear disarmament. Sadly, the trip gets off to a bad start when a junior Richardson staffer is horribly mauled in the hysteria that results after Richardson is mistaken for legendary sumo wrestler Konishiki during a stop in Tokyo.
November 1:
Richardson makes an appearance o
n The O'Reilly Factor
-his fourth of the year-to discuss price-gouging at the pump with Satan's Irish spawn. The governor also has appeared four times this year on another Fox News flagship show,
Hannity & Colmes
. Rumors surface of a potential
Crossfire
-type show called
En Fuego
in which Richardson heatedly debates conservative and liberal viewpoints with himself.
November 3:
Richardson announces he will take vacation time for a promotional tour in conjunction with the release of
Between Worlds: The Making of an American Life.
Publisher's Weekly describes the book as a "campaign pamphlet, er, autobiography" describing Richardson's rise from Capitol Hill underling to unofficial presidential candidate.
November 24:
Albuquerque Journal writer Toby Smith reports that Richardson's draft by the Kansas City Athletics baseball team in the '60s-long part of Richardson's folklore-did not actually happen. Richardson responds by saying "after researching the matter…I came to the conclusion that I was not drafted by the A's," before adding, "After researching the matter, I have come to the conclusion that Toby Smith is no longer invited to my birthday party."
December 13:
Richardson meets with NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue in New York City to discuss New Mexico's efforts to lure an NFL team to the state. Citizens of Houston purportedly launch plans for a city-wide bake sale to raise funds to pay New Mexico to take the Texans off their hands.
December 14:
The governor announces plans to secure a $100 million legislative package to help build a $225 million commercial spaceport, the world's first, in Upham. The project will be conducted in collaboration with Sir Richard Branson-poster boy of the idle, if adventurous, rich-and his Virgin Atlantic space tourism company, which plans to begin launching other idle, if adventurous, rich people into orbit by 2010. The titillating project has New Mexicans confronting a centuries-old conundrum. Namely, where the hell is Upham?
December 17:
Lt. Gov. Diane Denish breaks ranks by acknowledging Richardson's hands-on approach with people-hugging, jabbing, tickling-is annoying and could be construed as inappropriate. The governor-known to playfully put a young constituent in a headlock or poke an aide to ward off the boredom of being the most powerful person in the state-responds to the criticism by giving Denish a wicked charley horse.
