Courtesy Universal Pictures
Movies
While it’s unexpected the new paint-by-numbers Jennifer Lopez/Owen Wilson rom-com Marry Me is based on a web comic by Bobby Crosby, it’s very much expected that it’s so completely terrible you’d be better off watching paint dry. Don’t heed the Peacock streaming app from NBC and its not-so-subliminal reminders to watch this steaming pile of garbage (several per hour at last count); do literally anything else: Slam your hand in a rusty old gate. Break your leg on purpose. Catch up on old Full House episodes—just don’t do this.
J-Lo is Kat Valdez, a pop sensation about to marry her former producer/current songwriting and performance partner Bastian (Colombian superstar Maluma) in the most public of ways (while also releasing the hot jam “Marry Me”) when she learns he cheated, and with her assistant, no less. Panicking, Kat spies math teacher Charlie (Wilson) in the crowd with a sign reading “Marry Me” that was foisted upon him by his totally super-fun best bud Parker (Sarah “This Character Only Drives Plot and Serves No Other Purpose” Silverman), who also dragged him to the show. “OK,” Kat says. “I’ll marry you.”
And so she does, thrusting the mild-mannered Charlie into a world of attention for which he was ill-prepared. Pulled from the romantic comedy trope file, Charlie’s a handsome-esque single dad with a super-smart kid and has just been too darned focused on dadding and being a totally awesome math teacher to go looking for love. All kinds of other boring things happen, but suffice it to say what Kat thinks might be a pretty sweet media stunt, despite objections from her manager Colin (Game of Thrones’ John Bradley for some reason), turns into a real relationship. Then they’re briefly ripped apart. Then they get back together because of grand romantic gesture.
Setting aside Wilson’s absolutely wooden phone-it-in-performance (who did he piss off to be sentenced to this movie?), it’s understandable why Lopez would star in such dreck: She at least gets a couple of toothless pop songs (read, income streams) out of the deal. They’re forgettable songs, but people will download them. Marry Me is otherwise borderline glib about celebrity obsession, social media addiction, co-dependence and personal space. For every moment it creeps up to a semi-insightful moment about the unhealthy cult of the famous or misogyny or bullying, it pulls back to Wilson or J-Lo doing something “adorable.”
Charlie’s kid, of course, is sassy and wise beyond her years; there’s a cute dog for comedic moments so banal it probably hurt Utkarsh Ambudkar (Brittany Runs a Marathon), an actual comic talent who gets shoehorned into the final act for reasons unknown. Sorry, bud, you’re too good for this.
And so are we, discerning audiences. Or we should be. Romantic comedies can be glorious escapes with actual intelligence, messaging or value. Marry Me is a commercial for J-Lo songs that now bears the dubious distinction of least chemistry between a couple in a movie since Dwayne Johnson starred opposite a CGI ape in Rampage. Please don’t let your kids watch this. Please don’t watch it yourself. Boo! Filth! Slime! Muck! Rubbish! Boo! Oh, see? Princess Bride is a GREAT rom-com.
2
+Some movies have been shot worse
-Bare minimum non-white representation; somehow two hours long
Marry Me
Directed by Kat Coiro
With Lopez and Wilson
Violet Crown, Regal and Peacock, PG-13, 112 min.
