1
MARTINEZ THREATENS TO CALL SPECIAL LEGISLATIVE SESSION...
So that lawmakers can block the death penalty rebound one more time before she leaves office.
2
...EVEN WITH THAT TORN ACL FROM HER UTAH SKIING ACCIDENT
We assume she'll only take five days to recover—y'know, just like she'd want teachers to do.
3
AND YOU CAN STILL TAKE A GUN INTO THE ROUNDHOUSE
Don't shoot!
4
CITY COUNCILORS WANT TO BRING BACK SPEEDVANS
Only this time with no bribery.
5
MINIMUM WAGE MAY HIT $8.25, THEN $9
Just kidding. The governor is gonna veto that too.
6
TRUMP TARGETS MEALS ON WHEELS FOR CUTS
The death of so many former MoW recipients probably will save money in the long run.
7
FORMER TEN THOUSAND WAVES EMPLOYEE SUES OVER CASE OF 'HOT TUB LUNG'
He was researching his forthcoming book 10,000 Waves to Die.
