1
TIGER WOODS ARRESTED FOR DWI IN FLORIDA, CLAIMS IT WAS REACTION TO MEDS
We'd have thought he'd be a better driver;
or He should've stuck with club soda;
or That's rough;
or Hope he doesn't get put in the hole!
2
KOB-TV NEWSCAST DELAYED DURING ATTEMPTED BREAK-IN
Y'all can just stick to writing us angry letters and commenting online from behind fake names, thanks!
3
ANGELA MERKEL SAYS EU CAN'T RELY ON THE US ANYMORE UNDER TRUMP
Girl, tell us about it.
4
FORMER TEACHER ANNOUNCES MAYORAL RUN
She gained notoriety for locking a student in a chain-link enclosure. We, too, favor City Hall cage matches over boring meetings.
5
BOMB THREAT AT WALMART TURNS UP NOTHING
Other than those low, low prices.
6
STATE MAY GIVE MEOW WOLF $850K
This just in: Other things also exist!
7
Manuel NORIEGA DIES
Puppet regime-in' ain't easy when you're known as "Pineapple Face."
