Anson Stevens-Bollen
I can only assume you’ve heard the bad news? Thanks to the (less) Supreme (than a Taco Bell Crunchwrap) Court recently overturning Roe v Wade, those of us with uteruses no longer have ownership of our bodies and are steeped in sadness. The kind that makes it hard to speak. We are engrossed in sisterhood (and non-cisterhood) while feeling more alone than ever before. We are rapt with fear, but still we march in the streets. “Where are the men?” we scream, only to be met with silence. We are reminded that this absence of responsibility and unwillingness to engage with the very people for whom this decision truly matters feels a lot like what many face when considering abortion in the first place. And so, I turned to the community to see what is hitting them hardest and what questions they might have. And I have one of my own after addressing some of these concerns: Will I ever want to fuck a man again?
People who can get pregnant almost always have the responsibility of pregnancy management. That responsibility includes the mental load of researching and sourcing birth control options, paying for birth control or abortions and managing the emotional component of risking pregnancy as part of one’s sex life. Often the financial load can be significant. (My first IUD was $500 and had to be paid completely out of pocket as it wasn’t covered by my insurance at the time). Do you have some suggestions for how men can offer to share the burden of this responsibility without coming across as being controlling over a woman’s choices?
-Sick of Doing it Alone
It should never be this way, yet somehow it almost always is. When I say the patriarchy runs deep, it runs deeeeeep, y’all. This must change. If you are someone who can make someone pregnant, you have an equal part in the consequences of that, right? But at the same time, you do not have an equal part in what happens to someone else’s body. So, let’s streamline it for the sperm generators out there: Your job is to look for the gaps and where/how you can fill them. OK, you can’t take emergency contraception, but you can pay for it. You can’t have an abortion, but you can procure transportation, care and access to a safe procedure. You can’t control someone else’s body, but you can control your own fertility. Have you considered getting a vasectomy? You should.
I personally have decided to get a vasectomy. They are low cost $0-$1,000 in most places and covered by many insurance plans (Planned Parenthood can do them!). How else can men be allies to women (or those affected directly by the overturn)?
-Cis and Concerned
I just have to say that we stan men like this! We fuck men like this! As all marginalized communities know, the expectation to take immediate action while simultaneously being told you are less than human is the ultimate mind-fuck. So, your decision to take action is a valuable and fantastic place to start. Have you told your friends and family about your decision? That is an integral part of doing the work. Just like anything that is highly stigmatized, the more we have these conversations, the more normalized and accepted things become. Some of the best advice I ever received about grief, which is what the uterus-havers in your life are very likely experiencing, is that “radical simplicity is everything right now.” What can you do to remind someone they are still human in a simple, yet impactful way? Maybe even ask them.
Do you think it’s a real possibility that we could lose access to all contraceptives? If so, what would “safe” sex look like?
-Celibate Until Further Notice
Uhhh, yes, I do—and let me tell you why: trigger laws, trigger laws, trigger laws. The Guttmacher Institute, a research organization committed to advancing sexual and reproductive health, cites that 26 states are currently “certain or likely to ban abortion,” and 13 of those states “have laws in place that are designed to be ‘triggered’ automatically or by quick state action if Roe no longer applies.”
A prime example is the Missouri trigger law, which was so unclear about contraceptives that former Democratic Sen. Claire McCaskill took to MSNBC a few weeks ago to share her outrage. (You may have seen the video online). The Missouri Independent, a nonprofit, nonpartisan news org, also reported that Saint Luke’s Health System in Kansas City was no longer providing emergency contraception, citing the “ambiguous nature of Missouri’s trigger ban.” Missouri’s Gov. Mike Parson and Attorney General Eric Schmitt ended up walking that back in the end, but the statute remains unclear—which is terrifying.
I think the future of safe sex remains unclear. It could look a lot like abstinence with sex toys, more anal, oral, hands and feet with partners. My hope is that “safe” will also mean bringing things into a long overdue balance, and maybe that is the one teeny, tiny speck of silver lining in this dumpster fire. Will I ever want to fuck a man again? Sure, but from now on I will only be fucking the men I truly want to fuck. Many of you know what I mean by that and if any of you men don’t, you’re probably about to find out.
Layla Asher is a local sex worker on a mission to spread radical self love to her community and the world. Want to ask your local sex worker their expert opinion on something? Let’s have a sex positive conversation that keeps respect and confidentiality at the forefront and judgment a thing of the past. Please submit your questions to thenakedlayla@gmail.com and include an alias that protects your anonymity.
