Anson Stevens-Bollen
If you have an Instagram algorithm that’s anything like mine, you’ve seen the latest Hollywood cheating scandal. Adam Levine has been outed on the internet by what feels like an endless slew of women for inappropriate DMs and at least one accusation of a physical affair. Why, the Twittersphere is having an absolute field day with Levine shooting his shot in the most fuckboy way possible. In case you haven’t encountered one in the wild, a fuckboy, according to Urban Dictionary, is “a boy (man) who plays with someone’s feelings, doesn’t really like them, and will say anything they want to hear to have sex with them or to get something they want.” So far, the very married front man of Maroon 5 claims he never had an affair, but rather, “crossed the line during a regrettable period in his life.” When stories like this break, we are often confronted with our own shit around cheating. What are our lines? What does it look like when they are crossed? Have we communicated clearly enough what monogamy looks like for us? Have we communicated it at all? My inbox has been full of questions about this, so let’s get to it.
That Adam Levine story mostly just made me want to barf. Is there actually something to be learned within it?
-LITERALLY SICK OF CHEATERS
Totally!
What strikes me immediately is that you are having such a visceral reaction to the story. That kind of insight into your feelings is much more meaningful than trying to figure out why yet another dude married to a Victoria’s Secret model isn’t fulfilled. (Don’t go down this rabbit hole, Alice, there’s nothing good there.)
Maybe you already know where you stand on cheating, but I would encourage you to get a little deeper with what is triggering you. What exactly makes you want to toss your cookies? That he’s married? Has a baby on the way? (Did I forget to mention that?) That he was so careless? Get as specific as you can with yourself. The more insight we have into how we authentically feel about things, the more we can carry ourselves and communicate in a way that honors that. The learning is taking place within you, this stupid story is just the vehicle that got you there.
After being lied to and cheated on repeatedly, how do I put myself out there again to give love, trust and monogamy another chance?
-SCARED THEY ARE ALL CHEATERS
Look at you asking the damn question, tho, STAAC! Take a moment and celebrate your resiliency and your willingness to move forward. That’s no small thing, my friend.
It sounds like trust and monogamy are high up on the list of things you are looking for in a potential partner. That’s great! But don’t assume that they are on the same page just because it’s been the societal “norm.” That’s all smoke and mirrors bullllllshit, anyway. There is this little window of opportunity early on when dating to have conversations about this very thing—you’ll know when the time comes because the fear of the answer isn’t quite there yet. Ask your potential new partner what monogamy means to them, what trust feels like to them, share what it is to you and try to be mindful that they are not the people that hurt you in the past. I say this a lot, but adding levity to these conversations is always a plus, even if that just means smiling through it. And remember, you are looking for someone who is in total alignment with your boundaries around monogamy and trust, not someone who may “change” for you or someone who skirts the issue.
The harsh reality, though, is that it is always a risk. People are not perfect and they will disappoint you. All you can do it be OK with taking the risk. It’s the only way to let the love in, after all.
By now you’ve noticed I’m not really interested in what makes people cheat or how we can get them to stop. Personally, I think monogamy is an unrealistic choice for most of us. Why we choose to keep holding ourselves to a standard that has such a poor success rate is beyond me—but there are levels to this shit. Relationships don’t have to look like what we’ve seen on every single rom-com since the dawn of Meg Ryan. We can create consensual relationships on our own terms with boundaries that are specific to our needs, monogamy and non-monogamy included. My polyamorous folks know what I’m talking about.
This is not to say that there won’t be people who still enjoy the thrill of sneaking around or like to exert their independence by sleeping with someone else. I know it’s difficult, but we have to get comfortable with that reality and not let our self-worth get all tangled up in it. There will always be some fuckboy like Adam Levine who tries to name their unborn baby after their side chick and that’s only a reflection of him, not his partner.
Layla Asher is a local sex worker on a mission to spread radical self love to her community and the world. Have further questions after reading this? Want to ask your local sex worker their expert opinion on something? Let’s start a sex positive conversation that keeps respect and confidentiality at the forefront and judgment a thing of the past. Please submit your questions to thenakedlayla@gmail.com and include an alias that protects your anonymity.
