Anson Stevens-Bollen
As an online sex worker, I invariably live in two worlds.As an online sex worker, I invariably live in two worlds.
One, thankfully, feels normal, kind; where folks buy my content like they buy coffee and everything is hot and fun and exciting. But then there’s this other world—one that is all too real and inescapable, the one where sex work continues to be a highly stigmatized profession, even villainized.
America, it seems, still has a puritanical streak that runs deep. But with website The Small Business Blog reporting that OnlyFans growth has been explosive to say the least, it becomes harder to believe such a divide exists. In 2022, according to Small Business Blog, OnlyFans users topped more than 170 million. That includes 1.2 million content creators—numbers which are, honestly, staggering given that OnlyFans had roughly 100,000 creators in 2019. Half a million users sign up for the site every day, and that’s not even mentioning the 4,000-5,000 new content creators joining daily. People are obviously into sex, but alas, the divide persists.
And so, in the spirit of taking a teeny step toward bridging that gap, let’s hear from a couple real online sex workers. Spoiler alert? We’re just like you. We’re humans. Crazy, right?
I am new to OnlyFans and am loving it, but deep down I’m scared my family will find out. Is there a way to keep that from happening?
SCARED OF BEING FOUND OUT
Back in the day, SOBFO, when I was still in my research phase, I happened to see some ask this very question on the Instagram account of a creator I trusted and respected. And I will never forget her answer.
“Imagine the worst person you could think of finding out— finding out,” she wrote. “If you aren’t truly OK with that possibility, this isn’t for you. Because they will find out.”
You might have also heard horror stories of creators being outed by people who send their information to family members or who even leak content on other platforms. All of this scared me, too, but if you haven’t gotten the memo, people can really suck sometimes.
But I had to let go of the idea that I needed to ask anyone for permission to be myself, and sometimes that’s what these feelings are all about. I had to challenge the inner voice that says sex work is something of which to be ashamed. Was I truly scared of being found out, of feeling shame for performing sex work, or is that how I was supposed to feel? I came to ask myself whether I could love and support my fellow sex workers while upholding stigmas with my own internalized bullshit? I couldn’t.
Do you have to tell your family? No. But you also don’t have to carry around the fear they might find out.
Logistically speaking, yes—there are totally things you can do to protect your anonymity. Don’t use your real name, for starters, and only inform people you trust. Don’t promote your content on personal social media accounts—and remember that the block button is your friend. The more you and your content grow, the harder these things can be to control. The inner work, then, is really where it’s at. Stay true to your authentic self. The world, and your family, will catch up.
I find the line between sex and sex work is becoming more blurred. My regular sex life is losing it’s fun. Any tips?
SEX WORKER SICK OF SEX FEELING LIKE WORK
AMEN!
Sex work can be tantamount to having a mean sweet tooth, then landing a gig at a candy store. The trick, though, might just be to not eat your favorite candy at work, if you know what I mean.
Save those sweet l’il things from which you get the most pleasure for yourself and your off-camera sex life (or on camera, but in a fun, non-worky way). Try framing these more personal encounters like you’re getting away with something sneaky. It might sound silly, but we all know the thrill that comes from sneaking around—even if it’s just behind the backs of random people on the internet. They will never know you love doing that one thing—or having that one other thing done to you—and you’ll be honoring much-needed boundaries between sex and sex work.
What civilians don’t know about online sex work is the tremendous pressure to be consistent with content. That can take a lot of the fun out of creating, which I think could actually be the bigger issue here. When I was first making content, I gave my fans ev-er-y-thing. You know how it goes: We have this huge desire to succeed, we do the most, it starts spilling over into our personal lives—and, oh look! Here comes resentment! Ugh! Now we’re failing at the very standard we set for ourselves!
While you suck on your favorite candy, SWSOSFLW, I want you to ponder this: If creating went back to being fun, might it be fair to say that your sex life, blurry lines and all, could also be fun again?
Layla Asher is a local sex worker on a mission to spread radical self love to her community and the world. Have further questions about sex work after reading this? Wanna ask your local sex worker their expert opinion on something? Let’s start a sex positive conversation that keeps respect and confidentiality at the forefront and judgment a thing of the past. Please submit your questions to thenakedlayla@gmail.com and include an alias that protects your anonymity.
