artdirector@sfreporter.com
Minus the few knuckleheads committed to misunderstanding anything besides monogamous love between a man and woman as a relationship, my inbox has been on fire with positive responses to the column I penned about polyamory in the Feb. 8 Love & Sex Issue of SFR. Most of all, there were oodles of follow-up questions, which is exciting because the world sure seems to have convinced us that those with open minds and hearts are greatly outnumbered. My inbox says otherwise.
I think I would like to explore polyamory but am afraid my wife will shoot it down immediately. Do you have any ideas about how to broach the subject?
-OPEN TO AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP
First, OTAOR, try and get a firm grasp on her perception and understanding of polyamory as a whole. As we know, often when someone hears poly-anything, minds go wild with assumptions. Saying things like, “So and so (and so) are poly, what do you know or think about that?” might be helpful in determining your wife’s level of insight. Not to toot my own horn too much, but reading my column from last month, “Open Call,” together could also be an effective conversation starter. It is what brought you here, after all.
If she shows a willingness to further the discussion, introduce the idea of learning more about polyamory together. The quicker this becomes a shared experience rather than just your idea, the better. 2012 Showtime series Polyamory gives a nice little glimpse into real and diverse poly relationships, too, with an educational and, dare I say, enticing, flare. There are a number of helpful writings out there as well, including What Does Polyamory Look Like? by Santa Fe’s very own Mim Chapman, whom you might remember as the poly relationship and sex coach from my last piece. Tools and support are everywhere and an integral part of this journey—there’s no need to do it alone.
Lastly, you mentioned feeling afraid of her reaction. If exploring polyamory is something you feel strongly about—if it’s not just a fantasy or something that sounds fun (remember, poly is not solely about sex), like something for which you are truly willing to take the risk and work toward and maintain, be as clear as possible when you finally have that conversation. Sure, it’s OK to baby step it at first to suss out your wife’s interest, but when it gets down to it—and trust me and my womanhood on this—there is nothing more maddening a man can do than tell half-truths. Say every uncomfortable and scary little bit. And just when you think you’re done, ask yourself “Is there anything else?”
What’s that silly expression? Feel the fear and do it anyway? Feel the fear and say it anyway. Once you start parsing things out to avoid an authentic reaction on her part, you’re entering manipulation territory and not only is that not OK, it will kill any hopes of exploring polyamory, because it simply cannot be done without trust.
I don’t feel drawn to polyamory, but I also don’t know if monogamy is for me. Is there a middle ground?
-NOT SURE WHERE I FIT IN
As I venture back into the dating world after a pandemic-long hiatus, NSWIFI, I’ve had to get radically honest with myself about this very thing. I, too, don’t feel drawn to either, and this has prompted some tough questions.
What if my future partner feels strongly about monogamy or non-monogamy? Am I willing to compromise? If so, how? What are my boundaries? Although not drawn to either, am I open to one or both? If you do meet a like-minded cutie, going about a relationship without a manual like the one that seems to be part and parcel with monogamy could prove challenging. Then again, since when are all relationships identical? You are free to cherry-pick what you like from the relationships around you and ditch what doesn’t serve you.
For example, I resonate with what therapist-finder site GoodTherapy LLC calls the five tenets of polyamory: Respect, communication, honesty, consent and trust. That said, do I want to practice polyamory and have multiple relationships with multiple people? No. However, do I want to be able to fuck someone besides my partner from time to time? Maybe. Is there a way to do that and still uphold the tenets? Absolutely! I just have to create it.
So, whether it’s to expand on the ones we have now or to create new ones tailored to our needs, the broader our relationships can become, the more room there is for our most authentic selves to show up. In doing so, we give other people permission to do the same and for most of us, that’s what it really means to feel safe in our relationships. Honestly, what’s better than that?
