Anson Stevens-Bollen
Most of us have been there at least once or twice before: The big-O is nowhere in sight, and instead of just saying something—whether it be to spare our partner’s feelings, hope the power of suggestion takes over or to simply get it over with—we fake it. Sometimes we do the reverse and dishonestly claim something is wrong with us simply because it’s not happening with our partner, though we know full well that we can get there. The common thread is that we are most likely faking orgasms so our partners don’t feel like something is wrong with them. The good news, though, is that we can chalk a lot of it up to misinformed messaging we received in our sexually formative years. Still, why, as whole ass adults, are we still doing this?
I don’t know how to stop faking orgasms during sex or how to start trying to have a real one. Please help!
-STUCK IN RUT
As much as I would love to claim I am one of those über-cool, sex-positive bitches sporting the “No Fake Orgasms” T-shirt you might’ve seen on Instagram, I, too, have fallen into this rut. Once you start, it’s extremely difficult to not only stop, but to know where to begin. If you read my last column about mastering the art of masturbation (April 26), hopefully you’ll feel well-equipped to achieve an orgasm on your own. Now we want to take this knowledge into your sexual relationship(s).
You might wonder if you like/trust/vibe with the person enough to be honest about what’s happening. Can you clearly ask for what you need without ruining the moment, making things awkward or adding even more pressure? Or maybe you just want them to hurry up because it’s not doing it for you, or they keep asking if you’re going to come soon and it’s stressing you out?
All of that is completely normal, but as much as faking it feels like a quick fix, it does everyone a disservice, especially yourself. I think stopping this behavior lies somewhere between leaning into our own vulnerability and getting comfortable with disappointing others. Try creating your own little “no fake orgasms” world wherein you feel secure enough to let your sexual partner in by telling them what you need—and OK with telling them you didn’t come. Set yourself up for success by being intentional about who that partner is. Maybe you’re someone who likes the minimal pressure/maximum control quality that casual sex provides (quietly raising my own hand). Sometimes it really is easier to tell a stranger, “I need you to bite my nipples when you’re fucking me so I can come,” or whatever.
Practicing this might feel like relearning everything you thought you knew about sex, and you might experience uncomfortable feelings along the way to empowerment, but I promise it will be worth it.
Why don’t men just ask what women like in bed instead of assuming they can’t get off?
-IS IT MISCOMMUNICATION OR MISOGYNY
Before any of you “not all men!” me, keep reading, because this might feel gender-exclusive, but I’m going to take a leap and assume you’re generalizing based on personal experience. I totally get that, but humor me for a moment while I take gender out of the equation.
If you are in a sexual relationship where your partner assumes you can’t get off just because you haven’t gotten off with them, that’s not cool. It’s also not cool, though, for you to not disclose that you can orgasm, just not with them. Sounds like it’s about time you ask yourself why you’re gatekeeping that info while you’re asking your partner(s) why they haven’t made an effort to learn more.
Whether you choose to stay with your current partner or wipe the slate clean with someone else, remember that when we hold out hope that people are going to show up in the ways we desire without mentioning what it is we want, we will most likely continue to be disappointed. Moving forward, try to bring to the table what you’d like to receive—open conversations, direct questions and clear delivery.
I could get into a whole thing about being a woman and how deeply programmed we are to let sex be about someone else’s needs, but I would like to bring things into balance by giving us all permission to have some space and freedom from that ideology. As incredibly difficult as that is to do, maybe we should fake it ‘til we make it?
Layla Asher is a local sex worker on a mission to spread radical self love to her community and the world. Have further questions about blowjobs after reading this? Want to ask your local sex worker their expert opinion on something? Let’s start a sex positive conversation that keeps respect and confidentiality at the forefront and judgment a thing of the past. Please submit your questions to thenakedlayla@gmail.com and include an alias that protects your anonymity.
