Anson Stevens-Bollen
Sweet Santa Fe—how are your hearts?
From the state of my inbox, they must be aching. Has everyone gone through a life changing breakup in 2023, or what? Was it Pluto, the planet of major transformation, entering Aquarius for the first time in over 200 years that caused this? The last time that happened, it only sparked the American and French revolutions. No big deal. Or was it that we all got just a little bit weird from COVID? Whatever it was, I’m honored so many of you have trusted me with matters of the heart this month, and not just your freaky shit, though you know I love that, too.
My long-term relationship ended in a way I had no choice in earlier this summer. It was and still is pretty full of drama. Recently, though, I have started hanging out with a friend and could see myself falling into something quickly with her. Do you think this is a good idea, especially with a friend?
NOT SURE WHAT TO DO NEXT
Dramatic or not, the end of a long-term relationship is a life-altering event, and when things end in an abrupt way, in a way you have no choice in, it leaves you without closure and that, my friend, is something every broken heart desperately needs. Have you ever thought about why every culture in the world has some kind of ritual or ceremony after death? Yes, it’s also to celebrate life and to remember who has passed on, but the act is an important and necessary step toward acceptance. Breakups are different from death, yes, but they are not entirely unlike death, and both come with odd feelings; both require something palpable and/or validating that can make the ending of something feel more like reality.
Now you have the tough job of figuring out what steps to take to accept your new reality on your own terms. I’ve always found that talking about things out loud, as silly as it sounds, helps bring them into reality. Bonus points if you can do that with a therapist. As far as getting into a relationship with a friend, it can feel truly wonderful because trust (aka safety) is often already in place. This is why it feels so easy to fall into something. It will, however, always put the friendship at risk. If it feels worth that risk, rock on, but have a raw conversation with her right now about what both of your expectations are around “hanging out” and what your limitations are while you are grieving this last relationship (because you just straight up are still doing that). Remember how shitty it felt to not have a choice when your relationship ended? Make sure she has one.
I am a recently divorced woman in my 50s and all I know is I really want to have sex again. What advice do you have for someone like me who has never online dated before? Is that the best way to achieve this?
ENTERING A WHOLE NEW WORLD
I love that you know what you want! Now, how to get it…?
Online dating is such a mixed bag. On one hand, the accessibility is hard to beat. My friends and I call it “boy shopping” for “D.O.D.” (dick on demand). On the other hand, you must wade through an actual cesspool to find someone with whom you connect. And it must be said—that’s especially true in Santa Fe where everyone knows everyone and has already dated or slept with everyone else.
A better way to start might be to let your friends know what you’re looking for and see if they know of anyone looking for something similar. You might join a local meet-up group like Friends First, a group specifically designed for singles 50 and up. Their mission statement says they are not a dating group, and that dating is neither discouraged nor encouraged yet does occur. I happen to know of the cutest love story that came out of that group, so I happily verify that claim.
One thing on which you can always rely—one of the things that gets me through—is the good ol’ adage that if you’re a woman and you want to have sex, you will have sex. It really is as simple as all that. Even so, often, after the demise of a relationship or marriage, the advice is to get to know yourself again. Spend time with yourself and take ample time before starting something new. There is some truth and definitely some value to that, but that may not be what everyone needs. If your nervous system feels soothed by having sex with someone new or by seeking refuge and comfort in a friend, why not do it?
Layla Asher is a local sex worker on a mission to spread radical self love to her community and the world. Want to ask your local sex worker their expert opinion on something? Let’s start a sex positive conversation that keeps respect and confidentiality at the forefront and judgment a thing of the past. Please submit your questions to thenakedlayla@gmail.com and include an alias that protects your anonymity.
