Anson Stevens-Bollen
Although relationships can almost be made to order these days thanks to the online ecosystem, the fantasy of finding “the one”—that person destined for you, your soulmate—still seems to be alive and well. Hell, there’s even the alleged cult of the Twin Flame Universe, whose leaders promise to help deliver your twin flame to you for a small fee, of course (and maybe just a little bit of jail time if recent documentaries are right). Still, as romantic as the sentiment of finding “the one” is, it also can lead to complicated expectations for ourselves and our partners. Given some recent letters I’ve received, it sounds like, for some of you, this deeply held belief might be making it hard to appreciate and live in the moment. For others, the concept makes it difficult to let go of the past.
What are your thoughts on having multiple lovers while also searching for “the one?” Can both things coexist? Or does one subtract from the other?
TORN BETWEEN FUN AND THE ONE
Not only is this something that tends to cross my mind often, I was actually just having a conversation like this with a friend of mine who was battling something similar. So, yay for all of us not being alone! After chatting with my friend, I asked if they have negative feelings like emptiness or loneliness when they and their lover physically part ways? And that seemed to shed some light on which path they needed to take.
Maybe start by asking yourself something similar, TBFATO. Are you temporarily filling a void by simulating the kind of romantic relationship you’d like to have in your life only to be left feeling empty when it’s over? Or are you just enjoying having sex with people you’re attracted to while also remaining open to a deeper connection? Think of it this way—is having multiple lovers feeling self-destructive or self-affirming for you right now?
As far as the two things coexisting in a way that doesn’t subtract from the other, I oscillate between two thoughts on this: On one hand, I really do believe at this stage in my personal life that sharing sexual energy with multiple people at once can not only dilute each experience but can also send an unclear message to the universe about what it is that I want. And if you believe in the power of the universe, you know that being as clear as possible is the only way to get what you really desire. (Now who sounds like a cult?)
On the other hand, if you are having positive experiences that bring joy into your life, I’d have a really hard time telling you not to just lean in and enjoy that shit. You are allowed to experience pleasure. Full stop.
I recently went through a break-up with someone I thought was my soulmate. We were even engaged to be married, but then they ended things abruptly. They keep mentioning they would like to be friends. Is this possible with someone you considered to be the one? Right now, it feels impossible, but I would like to get there. Please help.
TO FRIEND OR NOT TO FRIEND
Read this and read it again if you have to: You are no longer in a partnership with this person, so what they would like from you at this moment is no concern of yours. I would imagine that someone you considered to be your soulmate/someone you were engaged to ending things with you abruptly has to be painful as hell. Where is your anger? Find that shit and feel it, not in a way that punishes them, but in a way that empowers you. As much as we like to think it’s more evolved or emotionally mature to handle breakups with grace and immediately fall in to some kind of peaceful place with ex-partners, I’m here to remind you that you are grieving and anger is a vital part of that process, a stage that cannot be skipped.
Eventually, when sufficient time has passed, if this notion of friendship organically circles back around to the forefront of your mind and a friendship with this person is something you truly desire rather than something you consider because they keep mentioning it, yes, it is possible. Write to me then and I’ll tell you all the things your heart and brain cannot receive just yet.
For now, give yourself the distance and time you need to focus on taking care of yourself. Don’t rush the rest, and certainly don’t try and talk yourself into anything that feels impossible. How common is it really to find “the one?” A big part of me feels like if we all just took a good hard look at the relationships around us, we would realize it’s more likely the exception to the rule. But a bigger part of me realizes why we tend to use our soft eyes and put on rose-colored glasses when we cast our gaze instead. What’s life without the possibility of a great romance, after all?
Layla Asher is a local sex worker on a mission to spread radical self love to her community and the world. Want to ask your local sex worker their expert opinion on something? Let’s start a sex-positive conversation that keeps respect and confidentiality at the forefront and judgment a thing of the past. Please submit your questions to thenakedlayla@gmail.com and include an alias that protects your anonymity.
