artdirector@sfreporter.com
As someone who spent the weekend binging sexy shows on Netflix, for a brief moment I was just delulu enough to think every relationship must be as passionate as those on Bridgerton—and certainly all sex must be as steamy as 365 Days (insert hot pepper emoji here).
I know that even on its best day, Santa Fe feels like a far cry from Regency-era England or 50 Shades of Italy à la 365 Days, but after a quick look through my inbox and discovering the number of writers in sexless relationships therein, my delulu ass was sent spinning right back down to Earth. Let’s see if we can reignite the spark for some of you and some hope for the rest of us.
My boyfriend and I haven’t had sex since the beginning of our relationship. Sex isn’t very enjoyable for me; it’s actually painful, to be honest, and can feel like I am losing my virginity each time. I’m afraid if I keep denying him, he will find another woman and cheat or just break up with me. Please help. I don’t know what to do.
AFRAID OF THE PAIN
Let’s start by isolating each issue. First, has sex always been painful for you? If so, have you talked to a healthcare professional? Maybe you don’t know, but there is actually a name for what it sounds like you’re going through, and it’s dyspareunia. The Mayo Clinic describes dyspareunia as “lasting or recurrent genital pain that occurs just before, during or after sex.” According to the Mayo, while the physical causes can differ depending on whether the pain happens at entry or with deep thrusting, emotional factors can be linked to painful intercourse, too.
The National Library of Medicine also has info on the matter that states dyspareunia can affect “10 to 28% of the population in a lifetime,” so the good news is you are definitely not alone and, in all probability, there will likely be a way for you to enjoy sex. This will take time and a willingness to deepen your understanding of what’s going on with your body, but there is an absolute light at the end of this tunnel if you broaden your understanding and maybe speak with a doctor.
Having said that, I really want to emphasize that if you do this, you should do it for you and your future sex/life and health, not because you are afraid your boyfriend will cheat on or leave you. Have you told him why you don’t enjoy sex? As I’m sure you know, plenty of other sexual and sensual ways exist to connect with your partner that don’t involve insertion, assuming that’s the painful part for you. Have you been trying those? I’m going to echo the advice from my favorite television therapist, Ona Guralnik of the show Couples Therapy: Simply take sex off the table for right now. You can keep the flow of sexual energy between you by enjoying kissing, foreplay and even sexting, but you might also create some room for your boyfriend to show up for you in the way that you need. If he’s not willing to do that, then, frankly, let the trash take itself out.
My wife and I have been going through a really long dry spell. It’s at the point now where neither one of us initiates sex and we also don’t talk about it. It feels like we are roommates. I want to initiate but what if she rejects me?
STUCK IN A RUT
Please do initiate, SIAR! The conversation, that is. When we get complacent with communication—which, let’s be honest, absolutely happens in most long-term relationships, so no shade—it leaves a lot of time for people to conjure up what might be happening in their own heads. Like, what if, as you say, she rejects you? Well, what if she’s over there already feeling rejected by you? This is good for absolutely no one. As I’m sure you are sensing, hurt feelings increase, assumptions about the other person become “true” and it starts to feel like the ship has sailed.
Setting aside all of the what-ifs, assumptions and ship-sailing, just have the conversation with her. Ask her how she’s feeling about the lack of sex in your marriage and try to be open with whatever she shares with you, no matter how uncomfortable it might be to hear. Remember, this is neither about semantics, nor right or wrong, but ultimately about connecting in a sexual way again. If the pressure of sex feels like too much for both of you right now, then try my earlier advice and take it off the table. Focus on building the sexual energy back up over time. Sometimes in life we receive gifts that don’t feel like gifts, like uncomfortable conversations and advice that reads like, “Don’t have sex so you can have sex!” Trust the process and follow through. The gifts are in there if you can open them.
