artdirector@sfreporter.com
With dating culture encompassing a bigger sense of flexibility and spaciousness these days, you can’t always assume monogamy is on the table. Relationships form in more unconventional ways, and as positive and progressive as this can be for some folks, others tend to avoid clarifying their relationships. The longer the murkiness goes on, the more some are left asking themselves—am I in a relationship or situationship?
If you are unfamiliar with the term “situationship,” do yourself a favor and find the @NowThis Instagram page (instagram.com/nowthis) and watch the reel entitled “How would you explain a situationship?” Not only is the take hilarious, it may even clear up some things for those of you who believe you’re in some sort of limbo with a partner. As always, the key seems to be honest and open communication, though that can obviously be easier said than done.
I’ve been involved with a guy for a while, but my friends keep saying he’s breadcrumbing me. I really like him and want to be with him, but he always has a reason why he can’t see me or commit [even though] he says he likes me and wants me in his life. I’m just so afraid to lose him. What do I do?
—Too Many Crumbs in My Bed
Although an increasingly popular term in the modern dating vernacular, some readers might not be familiar with the term “breadcrumbing.” Last December, Canadian clinical psychologist and author Dr. Monica Vermani told CNN that breadcrumbing refers to a form of manipulation—whether intentional or not—involving one person “feigning interest and acting as though they feel sincerely interested and invested in a relationship with another person when they are not.”
I think that just like any form of manipulation in a relationship, it can be difficult to identify when it’s happening to you from the inside, so please be kind to yourself about this. Keeping that in mind, you should know that issues tend to be much clearer from the viewpoints of the people who love you—like your friends who are telling you this guy is raising red flags. Chances are, they’re correct in their observations, and his words and actions never quite aligning also seems to confirm their suspicions.
My bigger concern, though, is you say you’re afraid to lose him—but what about losing yourself? When you allow this kind of behavior from a partner, it might not feel like a big deal at the start, but over time it can slowly chip away at your self-esteem to the point where the confusion and the lack of effort feel like they’re deserved. And this is likely a place your friends can see before you will. I’m sure that is the root of what concerns them, because no one wants to see the people they love lower themselves, especially for fucking breadcrumbs! If asking this man for clarity and the things you need means you lose him…do you really need me to finish that sentence? I trust you already know what you need to do, otherwise you wouldn’t have come to me. Now go and do it!
Is it OK to date someone and not be 100 percent sure about what you want? I’ve been very honest with the person I’m seeing that I just want to take things one day at a time and we’ve even agreed on what the boundaries are. I really like this person, but they keep asking me for a label and I don’t know what to do. Please help.
—Between a Rock and a Relationship
It sounds to me like you are 100 percent sure of what you want, BRR, and I think that’s a rare and radical form of honesty that can subsequently feel scary to someone who is on the other end—especially if it’s a first for them. This is, of course, tricky, because the person you are with, like all of us, has their own relationship history that informs how they act in this relationship. A label might be something they believe they need in order to feel secure, whereas a label probably feels inauthentic to you at this juncture. Both are valid feelings, but at the end of the day, yours are the only ones for which you can advocate.
Remember, also, that the person you are dating always has the choice to continue or end things. Please don’t ever feel you need to do something for which you’re just plain not ready solely for the sake of holding on to someone, and that goes for both of you. Moving forward with honesty and authenticity and having the bravery to do so is never a bad thing.
As forward-thinking as this time feels, relationship milestones are still very much a part of the fabric of society. Funny, isn’t it, that some people prefer to fake a future rather than commit to the here and now? Maybe it’s time we start asking ourselves why that is.
Layla Asher is a local sex worker on a mission to spread radical self love to her community and the world. Have further questions after reading this? Want to ask your local sex worker their expert opinion on something? Let’s start a sex-positive conversation that keeps respect and confidentiality at the forefront and judgment a thing of the past. Please submit your questions to thenakedlayla@gmail.com and include an alias that protects your anonymity.
