RAISINS?!?!?
We know it's early, but you must know that time flies—especially around holidays where it becomes socially acceptable to be like, "Let's talk about The Craft!"—and y'all must feel it coming: Samhain, Halloween … the witching … day. Or night. Whatever, it's October, and scads of kids are about to be all up in your business like "Gimme free candy, you SOBs!"
And so, since The Fork was once young and since we have friends with kids and since we had to come up with a topic despite extreme exhaustion, we went to the source (some kids we know) to ask about what they want (or don't want) to see this Halloween! Note that we're gonna be talking a lot about candy, but some other things, too … social things … important things. At any rate, here's some advice for when you get trick and/or treaters:
Eff raisins
According to our sources, one of the saddest things they can get in their pails or pillow sheets or bags or whatever is the ignoble raisin. We know you think you're helping people make healthy choices, but raisins aren't really the kind of food to foist off on someone for more reasons than they're just shitty grapes—people throw them away, for one thing. You heard right. So when you're thinking about picking them up, just don't. You ruin some kid's night AND you contribute to food waste. Shame on you.
Pennies? Pennies!
When The Fork was but a child, romping through the fens and spinnies, there was this old guy down the street whose name was Mr. Penny. As such, each Halloween, he'd hand out shiny pennies. Now, you might think this is cheap or a way to avoid candy, but to a child, the concept that someone named Penny also gave away pennies was nothing short of comic gold. You can also get rid of pennies, which are practically worthless. Note that we know they're of course not worthless, but still …
Baked goods? What are you? A maniac?
We get it, you like baking and you don't want to buy corporate candy and you know that everyone loves your scones and—just stop it! Not only are you gonna wreck your kitchen, ain't no parent in their right mind going to let their kids eat that despite the polite smile they forced onto their faces as they hurriedly pull their kids away from your creepy stoop. Buy candy. In bags.
Razor blades
Don't put razor blades in candy (even though we're pretty sure that's not a real thing that ever happened).
Poison
See Razor Blades.
Costume jibber-jabber
We asked around, and no kid likes the whole "lemme look at your costume!" thing. Kids are shy, and they mostly did their costumes for their friends or because their folks made them or because holidays have wrird arbitrary rules, particularly when it comes to free candy. Fork it over (swish) and keep the line moving. *note that we didn't speak to every kid in the world, but enough of them to get the idea, and trust us, you should just be cool*
Let pranks happen
In case you didn't learn from every movie and TV show ever, there will be pranks and if you fight it you're just going to make it worse. Also, only jerks call the cops on kids being dorks. Y'know, unless they get violent or extra weird. TP, though? Let it lie.
Those black and orange … peanut butter taffy things
THEY SUCK SO BAD! WHY??!?!? DON'T! NO CANDY IS EVEN BETTER THAN THIS NONSENSE!
Nobody expects king size kandy
It's amazing when people do this, but it's also OK to not, we hear. That is, when it happens, kids are of course pumped, but they don't expect it. Don't bankrupt yourself and don't invite ruin on your home if (more like when) you run out.
Name brands
Ain't nobody want no Hearshay's Krunch or Riece's Peese's, so suck it up and get the name brands (which are soooooo cheap and so plentiful) this year. Otherwise just turn off your lights and sit this one out, Beckie!
Just be cool
You know how to do that, right?
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And what special holiday-themed Fork would be complete without some weird-ass history that may or may not be true?!?!?!
For example, did you know that some of the traditions of the big day are just weirdly patriarchal customs mired in the concept that everything women do should be in the service of finding a man? Barf to that, but check this out—stuff like bobbing for apples or speaking phrases into a mirror in the hopes of conjuring the emmer-effing Candyman are actually competitive husband-finding games and some kind of weird occult assumption that holding a candle and gazing into a mirror might reveal your future husband's face? Gross.
Or get this—the kids in certain countries during World War II had to skip trick-or-treating altogether for a couple years due to sugar rationing. Bogus.
Halloween is the second-largest consumer holiday in the world with Christmas' stranglehold on your better judgment coming in first. This includes candy, decor, etc.
We also learned, and we may have mentioned this before and forgot, that the jack-o-lantern comes to us from the Irish who originally did the same thing to turnips and potatoes. Pumpkins seem to carve easier anyway, and we'd also point out that our partner made a pumpkin pie the other night that was so effing good it's all we can think about most of the time.
Here's a good one to know in case you do bar trivia or play Trivial Pursuit or just like knowing stuff that doesn't help you in any way: Illinois grows more pumpkins than any other state.
Apparently Skittles are the most popular candy at Halloween. Weird, since Skittles are pretty much tooth-ripping disasters waiting to happen … like Starburst, only loud if you drop them.
Lastly, a lot of shelters suspend adoptions of black cats during this time of the year because people still hurt them during the Halloween-ness of it all. Please don't do that. Instead, maybe donate to or volunteer at the Santa Fe Animal Shelter.
Had to. It's the law.
Also
-The Pantry just opened The Pantry Dos in Oshara Village att 11 White Feather, and here's a link to a photo. It should have all the Pantry things you know and love—like those kickass fries—and, according to Fork Friend Nadine, some other things you might not expect.
-We'd also steer you to this week's SFR cover story by Molly Boyle wherein a pretty awesome array of people psyched on grains and seeds are doing things that oughta make us all proud. Longtime readers know we've been big fans of Boyle and we're psyched she could come to the dark side … er, our paper.
-Holy smokes, we almost forgot—our 2019-2020 Restaurant Guide is out this week! It's huge, it's glossy, we like to think it's far superior to other, lesser guides you may have seen. We break down our 10 favorite local spots, 15 restaurants you simply must try, some of the best local food trucks, chefs, desserts and more. Read it online or find it in print.
-You have precisely one day from the time this newsletter hits your mailbox to get ready for the Santa Fe Farmers Market Institute's Fall Fiesta. Be warned! It's $150, which we know it steep, but which is going to a good cause, namely, local food, people, land, culture, etc.
-Dion's, which is, like, a ranch dressing company that does pizzas on the side, has partnered with Santa Fe's arts mega-corp Meow Wolf for a limited edition pizza box. It looks VERY hip.
-Speaking of Dion's, their newest Santa Fe location opens today (being Oct. 3) at 4980 Promenade Blvd., Ste A (near the Super Walmart). Maybe you can get you one of them boxes?
-As for local haunt Sazon, we've been told by staff to look out for a reopening toward the end of this very month. People are missing the food, BUT, we also just heard that its chef Fernando Olea was named Restauranteur of the Year by the New Mexico Restaurant Association. Huzzah! Olea is also an owner of Sasella.
-One of our spies tells us that Crackin' Crab (it's a crab joint that opened briefly near the DeVargas Center) might be under new ownership and opening again. We made a call, we'll let you know for sure (or let us know if you're those new owners). We sent a writer over there about a year ago, but it closed shortly after. Second time's the charm?
More Tidbits
-In the world of things that probably shouldn't bother us that much, but this is the dark timeline so what the hell, USA Today reports that a recent study found drive-thru times at fast food joints has been slowing. It's still pretty fast, frankly, and we just hope everyone is going to be OK.
-If you've ever wondered what kind of nightmares an egg tube might spawn, know that said egg tube (we wish there were a better way to describe it) is capturing the minds and souls of countless haunted Americans. If you dare, click here and prepare to die.
-Bad news for dog owners as the FDS issued a recall for Performance Dog frozen raw pet food produced on or after July 22 of this year. Salmonella and listeria monocytogenes were found in samples of the food.
-Remember earlier when we told you to just suck it up and buy candy that people have heard about before? The folks at popsugar.com feel similarly, and have thus broken down where to find the cheapest candy.
-A Chicago-based sports reporter was lambasted on Twitter after posting a receipt from an upscale sushi joint that included a line item for health insurance for its employees. the $1.68 charge apparently didn't bother Darren Rovell so much as its inclusion as a line item on his bill. According to eater.com, Rovell then tried to backtrack the situation, but this is the internet, baby—where things live forever. So let us break this down as clearly as we can: If we could pay an extra $1.68 on ANY meal we ate at a restaurant so its employees could have health insurance, we would (and will). The charge is reportedly a growing trend among the nation's restaurants and one that The Fork endorses whole-heartedly (or, to put it another way, if you think people should suffer to save you $1.68, find some other newsletter to read).
-If you like cocktails but don't like the idea of making them or going someplace to have them made for you, you'll be glad to know that some cocktails come in cans and that Food & Wine sampled all sorts of those bad boys and named their favorite seven.
-What do you know about Vitamin E? What do any of us know about Vitamin E? Y'know, not counting … vitaminologists (a totally real word) and the like. Either way, we apparently need to get more into our diets, so keep that in mind? Or don't. We won't tell you how to live.
Now with Vitamin R!
Finally
In the print edition of SFR, official arepa-lover Zibby Wilder recalls a former neighbor who taught her the way of the arepa—and then she totally went and scarfed about a million of them at Santarepa Café.
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A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork’s Correspondence
Number of Letters Received
52
*The number of weeks we feel like we worked in the last month.
Most Helpful Tip of the Week (not edited for content)
“The word brunch comes from combining breakfast + lunch = brunch. Stop spreading misinformation!”
*If you’re new to The Fork, please know that we jest often, that obviously we don’t think brunch is a combo of “brekkie” and “munch” and that we think terms like “misinformation” should be applied to, like, when the president lies, not some goofy food newsletter.
Actually Helpful Tip
Annapurna’s World Café having vegan brunch that apparently everyone will love
*We’re always down to clown a good brunch!
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Goodbye (being a combination of goodnesslessness and byelaterality),
The Fork
