The Fork

Gross-o-Ween!

October 24, 2019

6:01 PM

Courtesy FoodNetwork.com

Warning: some of this is kind of gross

Good lord, why?!

One thing that The Fork simultaneously loves and hates about the internet is that there's no stopping anyone who cooks up some weird-ass recipe from making a video, crafting a recipe or otherwise unleashing whatever weird food-based idea they might have had on the world. On the one hand, we love those top-down vids of people making things (though, for the record, the term "life hack" is a pretty ridiculous way to describe "doing a thing"), on the other, we've come against some truly horrifying creations. And since we're coming up on Halloween here, we thought we'd find some of the strangest recipes out there and talk a little bit about why they're either a good or terrible plan. Sound good? Not even sure why we asked, though kudos to you if you said "You bet!" or something similar out loud. Anyway, sorry if this isn't up to the highly sophisticated standards of this foodie town, but it's Halloween so let's all try to have some fun, maybe.

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Kitty Litter Cake

We found this abomination numerous places throughout the world wide webs, and we're baffled by it on so many fronts. Why would someone want this to begin with? How is it Halloween-esque? Because sometimes cats are familiars to witches as we all learned in the insightful and delightful television program Sabrina the Teenage Witch? Whatever the reason, it's weird and super gross and we're not onboard. Is it for kids? Do you … do you really have to make this?

Feetloaf

As if a melange of a bunch of different meats ground up and crammed together wasn't horrifying enough, this year's Halloween has conjured no shortage of recipes for feetloaf in our feeds. What on Earth is that? Well, basically it's meat loaf, but you use onions to represent toenails and you even cram half an onion in the … stump, we guess, at the top, so it looks like you're eating a foot with bones and toenails and stuff. Good lord, why?!

Skeleton Meat Platter

We've seen this one done a number of ways, but the gist is the same—get you a skull, use ribs to represent literal human ribs, sausages to represent entrails and then everyone can feel like they're eating a human person. Is this where we've come at this point in human history? "Cake pops that look like eyeballs are passé, let's make it seem like we murdered someone and are gonna eat them!" If so, we're pretty bummed.

Chorizo Intestines

If that last one made you say to yourself "Y'know, I like the idea of fake intestines for eating, but I prefer a more Southwestern flair!", then this-here recipe wherein chorizo and caramelized onions stand in for human guts is the one for you. One quick question, though—WHY?!?

Bloody Finger Hotdogs

This is kind of following in the footsteps of the previous listings, but for some reason, people like to carve and shave their hot dogs to resemble a bloody finger. Jeeeeeeze. C'mon, man! Fun is fun, but did these people never hear of how you eat with your eyes? The Fork has eaten some crazy things (and we sincerely do miss hot dogs), but not like this. The knuckles and fingernail are represented, our outrage and chagrin is represented by the following "GAH!"

We dug deeper, too, and the further into Google one gets, the weirder (and sadder) the offerings become. This has been a real challenge.

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BUT WAIT!

We wouldn't leave you hanging with ONLY gross stuff! We found some kind of cool stuff, too.

Like this Ouija Board cake which, if we heeded the advice from the 1987 film Witchboard, we probably wouldn't make—but we have to admit it looks cool and you can have a delicious seance or something.

You're welcome.

You know how candy corn is the absolute WORST? Like, it melts to your teeth instantly and tastes like nothing and you just start wondering what the world would be like if we funneled the candy corn budget into research for diseases? Well, be that as it may, the color study of those awful little kernels is on point, and the way you might finally get a chance to enjoy it is by making an ice cream concoction that vaguely looks like 'em. Boom—Halloween'd!

Are you ever like, "Boy, I'm down with calzones, but I sure wish they came in snake form?" Your ship has come in with this recipe from allrecipes.com! It's literally a snake. In calzone form!

Lastly, if you're sick of cheeseballs that just look like balls of cheese, why not shape those bad boys into pumpkins? People will come over like, "Wow, Beckie, we thought those were mini-pumpkins, but they're actually mini-cheeseballs! How do you do it?" And you'll be all like, "I'll never tell!" and wink, and they'll be like, "That's not honestly very helpful, Beckie." But you'll just be all, "Eat feet … loaf!" thereby winning the day.

Boom! Halloween'd!

Also

-Eagle-eyed Fork Fan Tom wrote to let us know he noticed something intriguing at the old Bonsai Asian Taco truck on St. Francis. In addition to the new paint job we reported on a few weeks back, a new sign has reportedly appeared. Says Tom, "Looks like Bonsai Asian Taco truck on St Francis at San Mateo is about to be reborn as Tacos Acapulco." The sign appeared mysteriously a few days ago, but it sounds like it's a taco joint (which we gleaned from the name), and we'll get over there to check it out ASAP. Thanks, Tom!

-If you've got money to burn (which we assume is the case for some of the most vocal Fork readers … the ones who like to whine about why we suck but just keep on reading, we mean), there's a pretty solid and interesting dinner event going down in the Santa Fe Farmers Market Pavilion on Friday Oct. 25. The Cornerstones Fiesta del Sol meal finds two local chefs (Chef Ray Naranjo from Angel Fire Resort and il Piatto's Matt Yohalem) coming together to use local-centric ingredients for one great meal that we hear rides the fence between creole and Native American cuisine. Tickets run a steep $150, but proceeds support the Solar Initiative, a program that solarizes areas in Northern New Mexico while providing jobs and training and jobs training. Word is some very special guests will be in attendance. Learn more here.

-We're a little late on this since we're most often chained to our desk, weeping, but a smaller version of the semi-new Madame Matisse French restaurant opened on Marcy Street a bit ago. Looking in the window, also weeping, we discovered an array of pastries and treats and other assorted things that make us want to put it in our regular rotation. People of downtown? You've been told.

More Tidbits

-In what might be one of the most absurd things we've ever reported, sandwich chain Arby's, not to be outdone by plant-based meat, has unveiled a meat-based plant. You read that right, and we think thrillist.com sums it up best by saying that Arby's has "lost its mind." The first item is called the "marrot," and it looks like a carrot but is meat. We hear other megetables are on the way (their name, not ours), and we're scared.

-What are ghost kitchens and is it already too late to stop them? First of all, they're automated kitchens that seem to exist for the purpose of people who order food through apps like Postmates or Uber Eats; secondly, no, there's no way to stop them—they're already here!!!!

-If you're a fan of Costco (and we know a lot of you are for whatever reason), you may be familiar with the mega-corp's cheap rotisserie chicken. The thing's a mere $5, and we're told that makes it popular—as in, sold almost 100 million of 'em last year popular. Anyway, that popularity may be good for business, but it's not so great for the people of Earth as the demand means the supply calls for Costco doubling down on subsidiary farmers, a dedicated chicken facility in Nebraska and, potentially, bargaining power against customers. CNN reports.

-In his new book, journalist Ronan Farrow (aka, the guy who brought down Harvey Weinstein) writes that while the story was almost killed when he was working it for NBC, dearly departed celeb chef and celebrated eater Anthony Bourdain used his connections to urge The New Yorker to go with it. What a guy! Farrow's original story earned a Pulitzer, and the world still feels the void once filled by Bourdain.

-Despite announcing last month that it would sell fewer limited edition drinks in attempts to make lives easier, coffee brand Starbucks has at least one more trick up its sleeve for the denizens of Europe—the so-called Phantom Frappuccino. It's a sickly green-black color that looks kind of like slime, but it's apparently vegan, so … score one for … someone.

-Santa Fe may have recently gotten its first dedicated ramen joint in a long time (it's called Mampuku, it's glorious), but Tokyo-based Tsuta—the only ramen restaurant in the whole entire world with a Michelin star—is coming to San Francisco soon. This one might be worth a pilgrimage, right? Right. Anyway, now you know.

-So you know how men ruin everything (and don't even "not all men!" at us)? Turns out there's this pizza genius named Laura Meyer who is really shaking up the pizza world, but dude-bros around the globe are acting like she's not the dang best. Bogus. Learn more and get real, vitamin breaths!

Finally

In the print edition of SFR, greasy fingers owner Zibby Wilder took her fingies and her tastebuds to The Alley, Santa Fe’s newest bowling spot and one with a heck of a restaurant.

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A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork’s Correspondence

Number of Letters Received

*2 less than last week, but still so many hurtful ones.

Most Helpful Tip of the Week (not edited for content)

“Was this interesting? I think not.”

*Cool, man. Cool.

Actually Helpful Tip

The one about the new taco truck.

*We’ll reserve judgment til we try ’em