The Fork

It's the 10 Fork Commandments!

We think we've done y'all a disservice by not being clearer about our intentions. You know, why we're here and all that? You seem to have gotten it into your heads that we're out here Forkin' it up in some attempt to be helpful or impart information to you? Heavens, no! We're here to eat food and talk trash. Because at the end of the day, you love it. Otherwise you'd be over there at some other jerk-ass food newsletter thinking, "Dang, at least The Fork knew how to laugh." Anyway, we wanted to clear it all up in song form:

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,niiiiiiiiiine—It's the 10 Fork commandments! It's the 10 Fork commandments!

Number One: We thought you dorks liked to have fun—but guess that we were wrong 'cuz we'd been standing in the sun. Here we tried to make a weekly missive that was funny, but instead of being cool or trying to send us any money, you've only poked and prodded, bitched and whined and complained, we can't escape the thoughts so often running through our brain: You need to get lives, you need to get real, and all of your opinions, frankly, only make us think of

Number Two: We tried a brand new cereal at dawn, not a brand you've heard of, but tasted fine through the yawns. We needed to believe our readers really, truly cared, so we wrote a manifesto in the early morning air. The second thing we knew we had to tell you was this—if you're wasting all your time by getting angry, sad and pissed, we'd invite you to relax, The Fork is weekly, free and lame. And don't forget that you don't even know our real name.

Number Three: Our many history lessons are flawed, sure there's real information but when it gets into our paws, we like to make jokes to try and lighten up the mood and when you angry-type us "actually," we'd do without the 'tude.

*(...but honestly our mood is probably moot)*

Number Four: We read your words and wonder who told you that this or any other newsletter owes you.

Number Five: Now, we didn't know this at the time, but when we took up The Fork mantle we were promised you don't whine. Lies. Although we're doing it for friendship 'cuz our dear departed Rob DeWalt would probably have willed it.

Number Six: We examine our topics with such rigor—we cry as you methodically try to spoil our vigor.

Seven: Confession time, here's what we say: It's hard to write The Fork and it consumes most of our days. We know you probly tuned in just to read about the food and you're upset that Little Forky's always trying something different. But chill out, we promise you we'll get to the dining, to patios and social distanced food pairings with wining.

Number Eight: Your last chance to get your head on straight—why'd you wanna read The Fork when all you ever do is hate? They won't teach you this in your classes, but honestly, we'd probably love all of your asses. Why? If not to make you suckers laugh. What the hell else are we doing? How much longer can this last?

Number Nine: This seemed like a good plan when we woke up today, now it's just us struggling to find stupid rhyming things to say. Look us in the eye—oh wait you can't, you never met us—but you'd probably enjoy The Fork if only you would let us.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,niiiiiiiiiiine...

Number 10: Be who the fuck we are!

*(Now let us tell you what we wish we'd known, when we were young and dreamed of glory: You can't control what newsletter writers, especially free ones, put in their newsletters...)*

Patio Update!

We obviously didn't make it clear enough when we spelled out in no uncertain terms of any kind that this list was incomplete and would continue to grow. So please, God, readers, whoever the hell else, we're begging you to hear us now: This list is incomplete, but it will continue to grow. Here's all the patios we've been able to confirm are for sure open:

"But, The Fork!" you're now whining with dolphin-like sonar, piercing the ears of even bats and ringing out across the night's sky, "why isn't there any rhyme or reason to your list? It's not alphabetized or anything!" Simple, good dorkuses—we're lazy. Naw, but for real, we thought it might coax folks into picking something at random and trying it out. Or we're lazy. Honestly, who gives a shit?

Ummmm....we like Hamm's beer, but what the hell is this? What do the animals have to do with it, and what's with the subtly racist song in the background? Yeah, yeah—it was 1979, but let's discuss?

Also

-Whaddya know about Tap Into New Mexico Craft Month? Is it nothing? It's probably nothing. Well, it's this coming together of what they're calling "local beverage artisans" to benefit the Roadrunner Food Bank. Good cause? You bet, plus it has participants from Marble Brewery, St. Clair Wine and Santa Fe Spirits. How's it work? Well, any local retailers who carry those things garner a $50 donation. So maybe if you're a retailer and you don't carry those things, you can do that?

-Ummmm...there's a new soul food restaurant in Albuquerque called The Hot Mess, and while we haven't been, we did have some buds tell us it is AMAZING. That's the kind of place that'll make you eat meat again.

-Not a news item so much as a PSA: In case you were wondering, a cold bean burrito sucks, and there's no way to effectively heat it so it's not an over-toasted mess. Please be aware.

-Frankly, we're a little tapped out here cooking up that sweet rap from before, so...

More Tidbits

-You know how our whole country is garbage right now and Trump is a goddamn madman and he’s getting us all killed and millions of Americans are on the brink of homelessness? Welp, this pretty cool piece from eater.com points out how landlords lose bux when restaurants close, so why wouldn’t we want to help them out? People before businesses, no question—and landlords aren’t really people, with the exception of The Fork’s landlord (which we realize sounds ass-kissy, but we loved them for YEARS before renting from them)—but we’ve all kind of made restaurants a major hot button issue here, so, yeah.

-At least six personalities from Bon Appétit's Test Kitchen program have left the company citing racist practices or, at best, a severe lack of diversity. You may recall BA as a product of Condé Nast, the publishing firm that hired that one dude to run BA who quit over brownface photos. Anyway, folks like Priya Krishna, Sohla El-Wayll and Rick Martinez are all outta there, and we commend them for it.

-Starbuck's has new drinks with kiwi in them, so, like, we dunno, lose your shit or whatever. God, who cares? Look, actually, we straight up don't care what flavors people like, it's just that sometimes we get to thinking about having to type up stuff all like "Kiwi koolers come to soulless coffee chain!" and we can't pretend to be excited. We drink our drinks locally in almost every case (not counting macadamia milk).

-First you people ruined toilet paper for us all, and now there's a pepperoni shortage. Don't you ever get tired of ruining the world?! In reality, it's to be expected. People are ordering more pizzas since it's the perfect to-go/takeout/pickup/delivery food, and pepperoni's everyone's favorite. Not us, but you jerks for sure.

-Speaking of news that sucks and we hate it, Brach's—aka, the insidious monsters behind Candy Corn—have Frankenstein'd their already most awful candy with flavors of Thanksgiving. As in, there is now turkey flavored Candy Corn, thereby completing the final step in our descent from legitimate country to endless hellscape devoid of any real morality, goodness or things that look and taste like other things.

-But it's not all bad, frenz, because despite how sickly that last item made us feel, we're here to tell you that the Girl Scouts of America have announced they'll be adding a new cookie to the already awesome cookie lineup in 2021: French Toast. We'll try it for sure, but it won't replace our beloved Samoas or, in a pinch, a sleeve of cold Thin Mints right out of the fridge.

Finally

In the print edition of SFR, learn of a new restaurant on Canyon Road and why its tartine is worth sitting down over.

A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork's Correspondence

Number of Letters Received: 54 *Patiiiiiioooooo 2: The Legend of Curley's Gold

Most Helpful Tip of the Week (a barely edited letter from a reader): "Excuse me, but patios aren't that nice." *Ummm, whatever dude.

Actually Helpful Tip: How many people pointed out we misspelled Arable? Many, So many. It's fixed now. Thanks, truly! *Fixed forever

The world is wide enough for you and us, The Fork