kiwi fork header
While shopping for chips
or something else at Whole Foods—
which is so stupid
because surely, friends,
there are other chips to buy
at reasonably
priced grocery stores—
we came across some kiwis.
A whole box of 'em.
Thinking to ourselves
that it had been a while since
we'd scooped a kiwi,
we bought those kiwis
and then returned home at once.
Did we forget chips?
You KNOW we forgot,
but that's not really the point
because we wanted
to start scooping those
beautiful-ass, green kiwis
as soon as we could.
Doors locked and shades drawn,
we sliced into fleshy fruit
two halves, knife, spoon.
Tart, sour, somehow sweet,
oh, how we missed you, kiwis
how'd we forget this?
Days passed, kiwis gone,
La Forkette returns with more
Bagged, no box this time.
Ha! The Fork cares not.
Bag or box, you KNOW we'll scoop.
We ate, like, 20.
Was this an annoying experiment? You bet! Forced? Contrived? Exhausting? Yes! But did we also manage to get a lot of words into this edition of The Fork that would make motherfucking Bashō stare toward the horizon and ponder the kiwi with a faint smile on his lips? Also yes!
But since we know why you come here (smut and smarts and maybe some food information now and then, right?), we also wanted to squeeze in a very special and completely accurate/in no way jokey or false lesson on the noble kiwi fruit. Let’s go!
Not only does the noble kiwi contain more freaking potassium than a banana, it has more Vitamin C than a freaking orange! It’s roughly the same level of challenge to eat, though, so it’s your call, really, about what you wanna do with that information.
If you’ve ever wondered whether the kiwi is named for the same fuzzy brown animal that we are pretty sure is the longtime Prime Minister of New Zealand (also called the kiwi), wonder no more—it totally is. Guess fuzzy and brown is all it takes.
And it’s actually because of servicemen from the UK and America who were in New Zealand during WWII that kiwi is popular today. Seems they liked it so much, that first England and then America started importing those fuzzy little bastards (the fruit, not the bird). By the 1960s, you could pretty much just get kiwi if you wanted (again, the fruit and not the bird).
Word on the street is that the kiwi originated in China and was once called a “Chinese Goosebury.” Word. Guess the name was changed after the New Zealand thing and, we hear, because of Cold War fears and such. Jeeze. Anyway, the first kiwi on record dates to the freaking Song Dynasty—that’s 12th century, ya goobs!
If you think or know you’re allergic to the cysteine protease enzyme actinidain, you should straight up not eat kiwi fruit. Sorry, y’all.
Because of its vitamin-heavy makeup, you can use kiwi in makeup. Whaddya know. Yeah, it seems potassium lowers blood pressure and there’s folate up in there and vitamins C, E and K make for sick-ass face masks (or needed vitamins for pregnant people).
Lastly, a 2011 sleep studyfound that eating kiwi positively affected sleep quality for a small group that had trouble sleeping. Guess it took around a month to see results, but if someone needs to eat kiwi every day for a month, sign us up, Dr. Sleep!
Harry Styles is always biting our style by traveling into the future and reading The Fork and then Marty McFlying back to a time before we publish.
Yeah, it’s been the same thing within time’s great, big circle...the same since one ape pointed toward the sun and told the other ape “He says give me yours.”
Harry. Freaking. Styles.
Also
-Seems the owners of Los Alamos eatery Fleur de Lys bought up the building that formerly housed Bouche Bistro here in Santa Fe for a French spot to be called Mille (say it like “mill”). No word on an opening date just yet, but we’ll let you know. We’d also point out that according to the Fleur de Lys Facebook page, they’re looking for workers up in Los Alamos.
-Speaking of things that allow us to start sentences with the word “seems,” seems IHOP (that’s that pancake chain place) is going to kick off mimosa service at locations across the country, and we hear Santa Fe might be part of the pilot program. We have been unable to confirm this, but we think everyone should either speculate wildly or assume it’s true and start reporting it to their social media spheres as fact. Jay-kay, don’t do those things, shit.
-Ummmm, excuse us, but nobody bothered to mention Aruna Café from Paper Dosa’s Chef Dhiru? Y’all are monsters. Here’s a link to the Facebook page, but, like, tell us stuff, dang. Anyway, it’s takeout only and you have to order by Wednesday for Friday pickup. That’s six days from the day The Fork drops.
-Gird your loins for the coming third Annual New Mexico Prickly Pear Festival in Albuquerque Sept. 4 and 5. It’s a clever name, too, because it’s a festival dedicated to the prickly pear. How festive could that possibly get? WHO EVEN KNOWS!!! Click right here to learn more.
-Ever heard of Market Steer steakhouse? It’s a steakhouse within the Hotel St. Francis here in Santa Fe, and there’s some more info in this link (sorry it’s from 2019, sticklers, it’s just that that was the last time we profiled owner/chef Kathleen Crook). Anyway, seems this little steakhouse was just named to Fodor’s list of the best hotel restaurants in the ding-dang country, so let us just say congrats!
-Lastly in local info for this edition, Edible New Mexico (whose new Bite newsletter is obviously in love with The Fork) announced the finalists for the Green Chile Cheeseburger Smackdown we were talking about recently. Here’s the list of finalists (we’re not linking to all those...what’re we made of time?):
- TUERTA, Albuquerque
- The Skillet, Las Vegas
- Pajarito Brewpub & Grill, Los Alamos
- Turtle Mountain Brewing Company, Rio Rancho
- Fork & Fig, Albuquerque
- High Point Grill, Albuquerque
- Luminaria at Inn and Spa Loretto, Santa Fe
- Street Food Institute, Albuquerque
This isn’t food-based, obviously, but why do we keep thinking about this show so much lately? Anyone else remember this...thing?
More Tidbits
-Oh, shit, Dunkin’ Donuts is bringing back pumpkin spice stuff earlier than ever this year, according to USA Today. We’d remind you of two things: One being that it’s OK to let people like things and two being that the idea that criticism in any form is invalid in that some people will like the thing (or that the person or people behind the thing worked hard) is wack. By reading the rest of this pumpkin spice news item, you understand legally that talkin’ trash is fun and accept it in perpetuity throughout the universe. Anyway, Starbucks probably isn’t that far behind.
-SFR’s sister paper Willamette Week in Portland, Oregon, reports that a growing number of bars up there have formed a so-called Vaxx Coalition—a bargaining group kind of thing that’ll help each other enforce proof-of-vaccination protocols adopted by said bars. Interesting. We’re seeing similar things in Santa Fe at places like Meow Wolf.
-File under duh: New Food Magazine-dot-com cites a recent study that found global conflict plays a role in world hunger.
-Know the name Nach Waxman? No? No surprise, but know that Food & Wine-dot-com says the man absolutely influenced the way you cook. Learn how riiiiiiight here. Oh, and RIP, Waxman.
-You had that Beyond Meat? It’s, like, meat only it’s not meat? Anyway, turns out the company filed a trademark for something called Beyond Milk. This seems weird to us as everybody knows macadamia milk is the last milk-free milk you’ll ever need.
-Speaking of plant-based faux meat products, the industry is predicted to surpass $162 billion by 2030, and that’s nothing to sneeze at.
A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork’s Correspondence
In this week’s print edition of SFR, our outgoing intern somehow scammed his way to free hot dogs. Have a look at that fucking hot dog photo, would you?
Number of Letters Received
25
*One more than last week, so...
Most Helpful Tip of the Week (a barely edited letter from a reader)
“Who cares if you eat at Chick-fil-A?”
*Ummmm...us, for one. Our queer friends and family. Good and decent people?
Actually Helpful Tip(s)
Couple more recipes for the Great Fork Recipe-Off came our way. Huzzah!
*We want ‘em
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Kiwi will speak to you later,
The Fork
