We can see your future. We predict that in just a sentence or two from now, you’re gonna be like, “But, The Fork—why are you out here waxing philosophical on Goldfish crackers? Sure, The Fork, they’re the snack that smiles back and also there’s something about moms being really onboard with their existence, but we read your incredible non-award-winning weekly newsletter for non-jokey history lessons, info on the local restaurant scene and pieces from around the food-o-sphere. Why Goldfish?”
Because they rule, dear readers. They absolutely slap. Goldfish crackers are excellent, a glorious little gift from the folks at Pepperidge Farm that is currently sitting in the baggies/tupperwares/hands of about a bazillion toddlers and, if we’re being honest, our belly. For you see, dear reader, we ate a whole thing of Goldfish crackers last night, and our mom says that’s OK.
For our purposes, we’ll focus on the cheddar variety—and no, we don’t mean the too-tangy monstrosity that is the, and we quote here, “Flavor Blasted Xtra Cheddar.” We mean the old-school, who-the-hell-actually-gets-the-pretzel-kind, taste of our youth and yours cheddar Goldfish crackers. The best ones. Last night, we ate a whole thing of those bad boys, and while we woke up sweating cheese dust, we don’t regret the slightly salty feeling on our lips, the rich cheddar flavor or the perfectly-sized little crackers that danced their way down our gullet at 2:30 am. In fact, we did a whole song and dance to ourselves about how it’s fine, because Goldfish has a history as rich as its rich cheddar flavor, and we just like being part of something.
Did you know, for example, that the guy who created Goldfish crackers—a Swiss nerd named Oscar Kambly—did so to impress his wife? Word is she was a Pisces, dear reader, so he obviously needed to make something fish-shaped.
Later, Margaret freaking Rudkin of Pepperidge Farm itself found those golden little champions and brokered a deal to bring them to the US. The legend goes that Kambly made them as soup crackers (you know, since fish swim and if you put fish-shaped crackers in soup it’s kind of like saying that fish are swimming in your soup?), but that Rudkin saw the snack-tential (that’s a portmanteau of “snack” and “potential”), and went wild that way.
In those early days, you’d find unflavored Fishies (we’re calling them Fishies for the rest of the piece), BBQ Fishies, cheese Fishies and smoky fishies? Cheddar, which again is the best kind, didn’t even come out until freaking 1966—a full four years after Rudkin brought them little Fishies to market. Today, there are all kinds of others, too, like pizza (which isn’t, we’d point out, strictly a flavor unto itself), honey graham, whole grain cinnamon, parmesan and, we quote, “Slammin’ Sour Cream & Onion.” There are more, too, but, like, what? We’re gonna sit here listing Fishies all day?
Anyway, you’ll find a Fishies factory in Willard, Ohio pumping out something like 50 million Fishies a day, and that includes the newest flavor, dubbed “Flavor Blasted Cheddar & Sour Cream” out in the world as of last year. Wow!
But still, we sat in our chair, old standby cheddar Fishes in hand. And we asked the universe or the creator or even just the night sky, “What are we?”
God, we love old commercials. And this isn’t even all that old.
Also
-Rumor has it Railyard-based bar Boxcar (that’s a lot of Bs) will soon be leaving its original location on Guadalupe Street behind and taking over the old Blue Corn Brewery spot adjacent to the Plaza. Folks like dancing at Boxcar, so we assume they’ll keep doing that and, honestly, the heart of downtown could really use something more lively at this point in human history.
-If you visit the Facebook page for Lone Spur Café, which took over the old San Francisco Street Bar & Grill spot on San Francisco Street, you’ll find a coupon for 50% off breakfast or lunch. Now, we’ve been told repeatedly the food’s not great, but that’s really a choice you’ll have to make for yourself.
-PSA: An SFR staffer ordered a kid’s cheeseburger and fries from Posa’s, and it came with a cookie. That’s just pretty cool! That’s an integrity move.
-Would-be Bobcat Bite diners have shown up to a sign reading “Bobcat Bite is permanently closed,” over the last week or so. According to a piece in the Santa Fe New Mexican, owners Jimmy and Jennifer Day’s son suffered a brain injury, plus restauranting during COVID ain’t easy. In other words, things piled up.
Hello, and welcome to the goddamn worst thing ever.
More Tidbits
-According to a new piece from USA Today (which is like Highlights magazine for adults who find Goofus and Gallant a little too preachy) tells us that a study from Pipslay found restaurants going more plant-based in 2021 resulted in 70,000 fewer animals being killed. Awesome! Much of the reason we don’t eat meat has to do with how smart pigs are, and how cows are basically gigantic dogs (or maybe dogs are small cows you can be friends with).
-Eater-dot-com is an awesome food site and tends to stick to hard reporting, social justice pieces and more investigative stuff. This week, however, they’ve compiled a list of Conversation Hearts phrases that would just work better given the shape of things. There’s, LET’S GO VIRAL and UGH, FINE just to name a couple. We do not disagree, although we still haven’t heard back from the company Sweethearts, which makes the candy, on our proposed new phrase: ASS EATER.
-You might have heard about a general strike from Kroger grocery store workers lately, and we hear a contract was finally agreed upon after nine days of super strike action. Yowza. Anyway, Smith’s is owned by Kroger’s, and we’ve got a lot of Smith’s around New Mexico, so maybe that’ll happen here? Speaking of strikes, we know it’s not food related, but Meow Wolf union members filed unfair labor practice charges against the company with the National Labor Relations Board in December, and they just went public with that info the other day.
-Someone at Bon Appétit tried a bunch of non-dairy milks the other day and ranked them. If they’d bothered to call us, as they should have, they’d know macadamia milk is the king of not-milk milks. We look forward to someone being like “I LOVE MILK, THE FORK, AND I WILL SCREAM IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!” in our emails.
A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork’s Correspondence
In this week’s print edition of SFR, we sent stalwart food checker-outer Kiley Larsen to Liu Liu Liu where, we learned, the wines and dishes make up Santa Fe’s best new culinary experience. That’s a bold statement.
Number of Letters Received
28
*Better, but hateful.
Most Helpful Tip of the Week (a barely edited letter from a reader)
“I utterly despise your newsletter (as you probably know/remember, unless you don’t care enough to do so). I will give appropriate credit, however, “Laminatedly yours, The Fork” was an outstanding sign-off for this week’s edition.”
*Regular reader Matthew Z. (religious reader, maybe, even) hates our guts, but we just like that someone is thinking about us.
Actually Helpful Tip(s)
Someone reminded us to tap the neck of a ketchup bottle, not the bottom. But they also spelled it “catsup,” so it’s really a wash when you think about it.
*Dang, we love when you give us tips!
__________________________________________________
And our mom says we’re OK,
The Fork
