Look, we’re not proud of it, but every so often, when we’re trapped at work and simply don’t have the time to go traipsing out into the world in search of a sandwich or whatever, we’ll order a little something through a delivery app such as Door Dash or Uber Eats (side note, referring to food as “eats” makes our skin crawl and double side note, Uber also owns Postmates, we read someplace). This was a little easier when Felipe’s Tacos still existed, and not just because it was close to our office, but because the prices were affordable, even with the service charge and driver tip and all that. In fact, for about $14, we could get a quesadilla and taco basket handed right to us in the office (or, to be precise, not us, since we’re actually more like an energy being or beam of light). Those days might be over, though.
See, last we checked on Door Dash (the morning of the day we wrote this thing you’re reading), the mid-pandemic delivery fee waivers and pre-inflation lowered price points are over. As such, the brekkie b we wanted from a very popular local joint came out to $20 with fees, and that’s before tip; and there is no way we’re gonna spend $24 on a breakfast burrito that’s probably mostly potatoes.
Not only that, but learning about service fees for restaurants has us shook. You can see how it all breaks down in a recent-ish piece from food industry site Lunchbox.io, but suffice it to say that some restaurants are paying a 30% service fee—or more, sometimes—just to be able to sell via the delivery apps, and it’s possible that could go up with inflation and all. It’s complicated, and it seems like keeping it complicated is the name of the game. Take a look at this 2020 piece from TechCrunch, for example, which breaks down how the money works in food apps. We know it’s a little old, but its points remain relevant—getting food brought all the way to your door isn’t cheap, and restaurants suffer while we, the lazy (or homebound or stuck-at-work or lots of other valid ways of being unable to get someplace) pay too much and do too little to help them.
To be fair, Vinaigrette owner Erin Wade warned us all about the absurdity back in 2020 when she wrote an open letter to delivery app Grubhub saying, in part, “You have encouraged customers to consider us an inconvenience and to order delivery via screens more of the time. This has been bad for restaurants. As takeout sales increased, we have had to cut jobs we could no longer afford.” And still, we ordered sometimes.
The weirdest part, or one of the weird parts, anyway, might just be that these apps aren’t particularly profitable, according to website Indigo Digital. Writer Tricia McKinnon posits that these apps have never turned a profit (except for Doordash in 2020, at the height of COVID-19, and even then it was a paltry $23 million—we know that sounds like a lot, but this is the fucking internet we’re talking about). McKinnon believes consolidation is the one true path to profitability for these apps, but we just assume tech bros are too ego-y to do something like that. Still, the piece is pretty compelling, particularly when a freaking Columbia Business School professor says consumers will pay the price. Take Jersey City in New Jersey, where the town set a 10% fee cap for the apps—which then turned around and started charging higher surcharges.
Of course, this is all to say that our days of messing with delivery apps might soon be behind us. We might meal prep. Or plan? Aw, who are we kidding, we’re not gonna do that. We’ll probably just keep eating the chips that SFR’s ad-boss keeps bringing in because she’s nice. We just know we can’t pay double digits for a brekkie b, and even if we could, we’d rather see that money going directly to our local businesses.
What do you think, dear reader?
Also
-With Mardi Gras coming up on Feb. 21, you should know that Santa Fe’s Plantita Vegan Bakery is gonna have king cakes for order, but you must get said orders in by Saturday, Feb. 18. Cool? Cool. We’ve had treats from Plantita a number of times, and let us tell you something—they rule. You can order through that link above. You see that? See it up there? Anyway, they’ll have some Valentine’s Day treats, too!
-T-minus two weeks til Santa Fe Restaurant Week. Know that. Click here. T-minus however many days til Valentine’s Day. Click nowhere.
-We get all the emails from the Santa Fe Farmers Market, and it’s a good thing we do, because the most recent blast reminded us there’s soooooo much honey over there. Honey is amazing, frankly, and the photo we saw made it look even more amazing. Visit its site to sign up for the emails, because you’ll get a lot of good stuff that way.
-We hear (by which we mean we read online) that Madrid restaurant The Hollar will be closed until March. In case you didn’t know, it’s because winter sucks for restaurants. We wish it and its employees all the best and hope they’re getting some rest, if possible. We know we’re sarcastic as hell and you might think we’re joking when we say that, but we’re being sincere—we hope they get some rest.
-Opentable-dot-com has named a pair of Santa Fe restaurants to its 100 Most Romantic Restaurants in America list. Care to guess what they are? No? Because we can’t hear you and this is stupid? OK, we’ll just tell you—it’s Geronimo and Izanami. Both quite nice. Both quite romantic. Dim lights. Wine and stuff. Make eyes at each other. Intertwine your bodies. Make love until the sun comes up. Restaurants.
-Did you know New Mexico could become the first state with an official state aroma? Think you can crack what it might be? That’s right—it’s going to be the way the alley behind the Launchpad in Albuquerque smells! Just kidding, it’s the scent of green chile roasting. We support this. We love that smell. It makes us feel like we’re part of someplace. Good luck catching up to that, fucking Colorado, with your cutesy little faux chile war. Y’all’s scent can be the disappointing realization that Denver sucks so bad. Like, is there a scent of how terrible it is to get anyplace there? (Also, SFR’s Andy Lyman interviewed the legislative staffer/hero who wrote the clever fiscal impact report for the official state aroma bill. Always celebrate the real heroes, y’all.)
Just because we watched that Tammy Wynette/George Jones show on Showtime. This is not food-related, but the song’s been in our head.
SHOUT-OUT FROM A READER!
Not so much a shout-out as it is information we could have easily looked up but failed to look up in regards to that Reba’s Place restaurant:
“Fun fact: Reba’s Place isn’t just owned by Reba, but a joint venture with my tribal nation, the Choctaw Nation of Oklahoma.”
So sayeth reader Sascha A., whom we’ve always known to be a kind corresponder(ent?) and who was way nicer about giving us this info than they easily could have been. As for the rest of you, if you feel like shouting out a restaurant (local or otherwise), hit us up at thefork@sfreporter.com. We reply to many emails, promise!
More Tidbits
-NPR (and about a million other outlets) reports that a possible listeria outbreak has caused Baltimore-based Fresh Ideation Group to recall more than 400 ready-to-eat food products. You can get the full list of items from the FDA site here. Says NPR, “The products are sold under dozens of different brand names, but all recalled products say Fresh Creative Cuisine on the bottom of the label and have a ‘fresh through’ or ‘sell through’ date from Jan. 31 to Feb. 6.”
-You ever heard of Citrus Greening, or Huanglongbing (HLB)? Probably not (we never had, and we’ve heard of everything in the world), but you’ll surely know more soon as the fatal citrus disease is spreading across California, hitting its citrus groves and such. What does this mean for you? Well, a lot of citrus comes from CA, so if you love oranges or whatever else, it might only be a matter of time. Oh. Our. God. Are we gonna get scurvy? Fun fact? The term “limey” comes from old sailors who, once scurvy-ridden, would have to eat all kinds of limes to...is “de-scurvify” a word? Anyway, bad news on the whole Citrus Greening thing.
-Did you hear the one about mob boss Edgardo Greco? Seems that after 16 years on the lam, Greco was taken into custody while heading to his job at a pizza joint in Saint-Etienne, France. We know this is only tangentially related to food, but it’s interesting anyway. There are still reportedly four major mob guys in hiding out there, according to Italian police. Also, how good was The Sopranos?
-Apropos of our ranting in the preamble (or the literary vestibule of our piece, if you will, which you absolutely should not), some dumb kid in Michigan racked up a $1,000 Grubhub bill on his dad’s phone. This is the hell we live in now, where your phone can trick your kids and where living, breathing journalists have to report this shit (or, like, when a celebrity tweets something).
-Oh, good, the branded merch from chain restaurants nightmare continues, this time in the form of the BAGuette, a stupid-ass sandwich-shaped purse from Panera. You know Panera, right? It’s the place you go when you need to convince yourself you’re too good for Subway while also maintaining a profound misunderstanding of what makes things healthy or not? Anyway, it’s a bag you can put a sub sandwich in, so...y’know, guess the days of just holding your sandwich like a person are gone. “But it’s just kind of kooky and fun, The Fork!” you likely just screamed at your phone, in public and much to the chagrin of everyone nearby, particularly the parents, who pull their children closer and beg them not to make eye contact with you. Maybe so, dear reader, maybe so. Maybe the BAGuette is kooky and kinda fun. But when we start fake-laughing at pointless sandwich receptacles to prove we have a sense of humor (or when we’re the kind of people who, like, make Tik-Toks about fucking Chipotle or Panera or wherever), we make it so much easier for future space anthropologists to write papers with heady, academic titles like: “BAGuette: How Humankind’s Absurd Need to Have Branded Chain Restaurant Merch Led to Their Early Demise and Why We All Still Laugh About Those Dummies With Darwinian Guffaws and Chortles; God, Isn’t Life Better Now That the BAGuette Gained Sentience and Killed Everyone From the Olden Days?” Anyway, screw this bag, we’re mad about it. We’re just really mad this week in general, OK? Oh. Our. God. Did Sam Smith somehow pull us into their villain era along with them? We hope so, because it frankly seems really hot there.
-Eggs are still pretty expensive, we heard.
A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork’s Correspondence
In the print edition of SFR this week, find out why Dr. Field Goods feels so good. Do you think that’s a Mötley Crüe thing?
Number of Letters Received
36
*The age we were before the age we are now.
Most Helpful Tip of the Week (a barely edited letter from a reader)
“Gross.”
*We’d be mad, but we think the single word response is so funny.
Actually Helpful Tip(s)
“[The Trader Joe’s Aussie-style cookies] are a fair attempt at copying the most popular line of sweet biscuits (ie cookies) in Australia called Tim Tams. I buy them from Aussie Food Express, theaustralianfoodshop.com, except during the summer when they won’t ship them because of the effect of heat on chocolate.”
*This is great news for all of us!
Deliver unto us the patience to accept the BAGuette,
The Fork
