So we’re not sure whom this will upset, but we’ve been eating hot dogs. Meat ones. All kinds. Like, so many. And we tell you this for a few reasons, not least of which because we felt guilty about eating meat and had to confess, but also because we don’t know if you know this, but hot dogs are AWESOME.
Yeah, we know they’re technically gross and contain anuses or whatever. But from the Oscar Meyer wieners made with pork and turkey and chicken and who-even-knows-what-else to the Hebrew National beef bad boys that taste just like mom used to serve (with steamed cabbage and mashed potatoes for some reason; though we admit they’re delicious together), we’ve come to a conclusion about veggie dogs that y’all need to know if you don’t already: They’re kind of gross.
And it’s not a taste thing; it’s a texture thing. Outside of the Morning Star corn dogs we love so much, veggie dogs are kind of...gooey? Wet? Floppy? Untenable? They’re a lot of things, to be sure, but hot dogs they ain’t, not even if you slap ‘em in one of those awesome Ballpark hot dog buns.
Anyway...
The other reason we bring it up is because we’ve decided in our hot dog-addled mind that it would be a great time for—you guessed it—A TOTALLY REAL AND IN NO WAY JOKEY HISTORY/FACT LESSON ON THE NOBLE HOT DOG!
-Legend has it that an NYC-based observational cartoonist happened to notice that when the sausage vendors of the fabled New York Polo Grounds started hawking their snausages, they’d shout stuff like, “Get your red hot dachshund sausages right heeeeeeere!” and whipped up a li’l cartoon calling ‘em hot dogs. We weren’t there that day so we can’t say for sure, but that sounds true enough/reasonable.
-Still, there’s a pair of German towns who fight over who created what we now call the hot dog—Frankfurt and Vienna. Wait a second, isn’t Vienna in Austria? Maybe so, and the denizens of Austria claim ‘twas their ancestors who created wienerwurst. What do we think, you might wonder? We don’t give a shit.
-The National Hot Dog & Sausage Council (which is real and you can look that up if you don’t believe us) estimates that Americans eat—get this—20 billion hot dogs per annum. That sounds like a lot per anus (and that’s the last time we mention anuses, promise), but we’re also not sure their data is right because we’ve eaten 20 billion hot dogs alone this year, so...
-That same council hypothesizes that hot dogs are so inextricably linked to baseball because they’re small and easy to package and prep. There’s something about summertime and hot dogs, too, which we feel more than we intellectually know. Right? Know what we mean?
-Still speaking of that council, did you know it’s looking for 2022 Hot Dog Ambassadors? Well, it is. What does that mean? Well, according to the fine print on the website, “Each entrant shall indemnify, defend, and hold the National Hot Dog & Sausage Council harmless from any third-party claims arising from or related to the entrant’s participation in the contest.” Good lord. Is it dangerous? Naw, doubtful. We think you just take pictures and get to claim the title. You can apply here.
-Hot dogs are one of the foods approved for astronauts in space. That’s why we’ve been eating them—to feel like an astronaut.
-In 2021, some nerd named Joey Chestnut ate 76 hot dogs at a hot dog eating contest. That’s the world record, and it’s also kind of gross. Good for you, Joey Chestnut! You go, Joey Chestnut!
-Lastly, keep in mind that people know hot dogs are pretty gross, but generally speaking so is eating itself. Besides, ain’t you never seen an Anthony Bourdain episode where he goes to eat tripe and guts and anuses? Awww, crap, we brought up anuses again. Our bad.
What’s your hot dog brand?
What kind of kids like Armour hot dogs?
Also
-Hand to Satan we had no idea the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile was heading for Santa Fe when we started writing Le Fork this week, but you’ll have three chances in the coming days to catch the hot-doggiest car around Santa Fe. According to Abbey Frankfurter (yes, that’s the name they gave), here’s where it’ll be (and, we happen to know, you sometimes get a Wienermobile-shaped whistle when you stop by):
- Thursday, Nov. 10—Santa Fe Children’s Museum (1050 Old Pecos Trail); 4 pm-6 pm
- Saturday, Nov. 12—Cranksgiving in the Railyard (Cerrillos Road and Paseo de Peralta); 9 am-noon
- Sunday, Nov. 13—Meow Wolf (1352 Rufina Circle); in the afternoon (note: The Fork doesn’t know precisely what “in the afternoon” means, but you’ll work it out, we bet.)
-Boy, that Tumbleroot Brewery & Distillery sure has lots of fun food pop-ups lined up for this week, including stopovers from food trucks Poki Tako, Mas Chile, plus sushi chef Brent Jung. Hats off to Tumbleroot, too, for always having a variety of things to do and see and eat.
-In the latest edition of the Santa Fe Extension Master Gardeners Newsletter, find a nifty little review of the David R Montgomery/Anne Biklé book, What Your Food Ate, because what the things we eat eat matters. Does that sentence throw you? We don’t care. Hey, editors of The Fork—WE DON’T CARE! THE SENTENCE STANDS! WE’LL FIGHT YOU!!!!! Anyway, we like the newsletter because it’s always got good little tips and tricks and such. You can sign up through that link we included a few sentences ago.
-Here’s one for the older Santa Feans out there (though we think it would work wherever you are, assuming the service about which we’re going to talk operates where you live): The folks at RetireGuide shared with us a Guide to Meals on Wheels. Here’s the link if you need it.
-But you know what else is cool and does something similar and also is local? Kitchen Angels! Don’t forget about Kitchen Angels, the Santa Fe nonprofit that also feeds folks in need. In fact, why don’t you click right here and donate a few bucks real quick. And since we’re talking about feeding folks in need and donating, click right here to donate to The Food Depot. And now you can keep that feeling going by clicking right here and donating to the Santa Fe Indigenous Center. If you shoot us an email with screenshot proof that you donated to any of these places, we’ll pick someone at random for a little prize that we’ll send in the mail. Do it. Do it now!
Out with Grinners, in with this nonstop cavalcade of reminders from when you were young enough to feel ways about things. The Cap’n Crunch commercial is clearly just biting Grinners style, but what can you do?
More Tidbits
-Oh, good, Stouffer’s made a Bloody Mary mix that tastes like its frozen lasagna. Don’t get us wrong, we’ll GO TO TOWN on one of those bad boys, it’s just...do we need a drink that tastes like it? Is it, like, a beefy drink? We don’t want that. We might as well drink hot dog water.
-McDonald’s, which we believe is some kind of restaurant, might add Krispy Kreme donuts to its menu at some point soon, solidifying our assertion that God, at least as we knew him, is dead. Now, would we eat a filet o’ fish served between donuts? Absolutely. Do we NEED to do that? Eff no.
-Hey, people of a certain age—remember how your dumb friends were all about La Croix fizzy water, which was weird because it tasted how you’d imagine fizzy water farts would taste? Well, according to the dorkus malorkuses at Bon Appétit-dot-com, Gen Z is all about Liquid Death, which is a water with some pretty metal packaging. Counterpoint, though: Who cares? Gen Z is pretty cool, though, what with their wholesale rejection of things like racism and transphobia and so on.
-We do have some sad news to impart as we understand Julie & Julia scribe Julie Powell (who cooked her way through every dang Julia Child recipe and blogged about it PLUS inspired the Amy Adams movie of the same name) died of cardiac arrest earlier this week. You hate to see it, especially since there are honestly so few voices in food that are just, like, nice. Rest in power, Julie.
-Finally this week, a piece from the folks at USA Today who ask that timeless tuber query: Are yams and sweet potatoes the same thing? Well, are they? They answer other questions, too, because we’re apparently in Thanksgiving season. Shudder.
A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork’s Correspondence
In the print edition of SFR this week, our editor didn’t exactly eat, you know, food, but some pretty fantastic adult beverage samples were consumed.
Number of Letters Received
29
*And not a one of them notable.
Most Helpful Tip of the Week (a barely edited letter from a reader)
“I’m sorry.”
*Cool. What did you do, though?
Actually Helpful Tip(s)
Nada.
*But we want tips! Send up tips!
Anuses,
The Fork
