While we understand that the Fourth of July will be over by the time anyone reads this edition of The Fork, we’ve been grappling with the intense weirdness of how humans seemingly need to tie specific foods or foods that look like things to holidays. Time is, of course, a flat circle—we’ve done all this before and are going to have had have been going to be doing this infinitely until the crucible of existence crashes in upon itself—but our need to demarcate specificity when tied to holidays is a baffling occurrence for some, such as us, The Fork.
Take, for example, the red/white/blue bonanza of foods that vaguely resemble the American flag out there. These things are strange to us, yet we cannot look away. Is our need as a people to let others know we’re from a place so dire that we must emblazon it upon that which nourishes us? As a tweet we once read said, we go to hug our wife, but she is cake. Obviously.
Below, find a hastily-put-together gallery of weird (to us) Fourth of July foods we found around the internet. What a time to be alive, right?
brianna@sfreporter.com
Like this one, that looks like someone found out what nachos are following a protracted game of telephone. Who in the eff wants to eat raw cauliflower with store-bought chips and raw tomatoes? What a nightmare.
brianna@sfreporter.com
This charcuterie board looks a little better, but it’s still weirding us out, particularly since we cannot identify that purple-ish tube up there by the...are they cheese stars? Folks, wouldn’t we rather something taste amazing and not look like anything in particular than to have some unidentifiable tube sullying up our folded meat platter?
brianna@sfreporter.com
This image from the Disney Parks Blog shows us that the house of mouse is out of control and needs to be stopped. Like, there’s a freaking sparkler on this thing? Why? What sort of chemicals does it spew—and why do you need a slice of cake on your ice cream?!
brianna@sfreporter.com
Believe it or not, this thing (which is also from Diznee) is a hot dog on a stick/mozzarella stick thing with dyed cheese because you don’t just deserve to die, you deserve to die hard with freedom cheese stopping your heart like some sort of microscopic cheese-based beaver dam.
brianna@sfreporter.com
Lastly, there’s this—the saddest looking pizza we’ve ever seen in our lives. We wish we could tell you what those button-esque things in the corner might be, but we cannot. We especially like how the pepperoni looks like it’s soaking wet and the dough looks like it’s a freaking Pillsbury crescent roll can being used before the expiration date.
So while we assume everyone woke up on the morning of July 5 and was like, “Now to not think about this stuff until next year,” we hope your enjoyed this tour through the things you’ll be eating in hell. We’re off to weep now, for an amorphous being such as ourselves cannot claim a country—we can can only deride and scoff.
What a nightmare.
Reader Shout-Out Corner
We’re replacing the snack corner this week with a big thanks to all our readers who reached out about our ill cat. While true that she is aged and can’t live forever, it turns out her woes had come in the form of an adverse reaction to a vaccine. She is, in fact, back to her usual moth-catching, couch-sleeping, whisker-cleaning self. Still, your kinds words truly helped boost our mood. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again—Fork readers are the best readers.
Also
-Well, well, well—looks like breakfast and lunch spot Crepas-oh plans to open a new Railyard location and looking for workers for said spot. Crepas-oh stopped serving dinner just a few months ago, but, and we mean this, it’s one of the few restaurants in town about which we’ve pretty much never heard a bad word. Word!
-In the Santa Fe Railyard’s never-ending quest to literally just become a bunch of brewpubs shouldered up against one another so the cargo shorts-wearing flannel shirt set can finally have a playground all their own, Nuckolls Brewing Co. from Violet Crown Cinema’s Bill Banowsky (and others) is slated to open July 19, at least according to the Santa Fe New Mexican. Word is, Jenn Treu, formerly of Rowley Farmhouse Ales, will take over the head brewer spot. Rowley owner John Rowley, meanwhile, seems, perhaps, less than enthused about that news on Facebook, but everyone else is just kind of like, “What a fun UFO sculpture you have outside, Nuckolls!” No word on where former Nuckolls head brewer David Ahern-Seronde might wind up, but he’s been doing that Apicklelypse hot sauce thing anyway. We like to say Nuckolls with a serious emphasis on the hard K sound, which is, of course, a killer comedy classic and we look forward to many years of dudes in backwards hats screaming at sports on the televisions.
-With a word salad of hip marketing terms like “curated,” “manifest” and “eats,” to lure in the hipster set traveling Route 66 in their floppy hats and turquoise rings whilst headed to some kind of nightmarish music fest, new-ish motel The Mystic seems to be going pretty hard down there on Cerrillos Road. Like, if you go to the website we linked just above (where it says “The Mystic”), you’ll see it’s getting rave reviews on Yelp and Tripadvisor and Google. Now, setting aside how hopping mad we’d be that someone else did the “look at our minimalist desert vibe, bruh,” thing if we owned the El Rey Court up the street, know that The Mystic has swanky rooms and craft cocktails and “eats” and that vaguely Southwestern design aesthetic that people who are not from the area look at and think, “Nailed it, dude, let’s get this on Insta.” Hahaha! Dang, are we mad about this? Mad’s not the word. It seems weird to us, but we’re just an amorphous being with no central nervous system.
-It would appear that Hidden Mountain Brewing Co. (formerly Blue Corn Brewing, which we’ll stop mentioning when we feel the time is right) resumes its live music game with a performance from mariachi act Grupo Euforia this Saturday, July 8 at 7 pm. It’s free and there’s beer and food and everything! In fact, here’s a menu link.
-Word on the street is there’s a new natural wine bar incoming on Guadalupe Street, at least that’s according to a guy we know who loves wine so much that he called breathlessly to tell us about it. Details are scant, but we hear the place will be called Copita and will have a small but considered list of all-natural wines. And maybe some snacks, too. We’ll obviously update you when we learn more. If you need natural wine immediately for whatever reason, be aware that La Mama at 225 E Marcy St. is there for you.
-Not only do we hear that most excellent local restaurant Tajine is expanding its space within BODY of Santa Fe over there on Cordova Road in Santa Fe, we understand they’re hiring front of house and management people. Here’s a link to the Tajine Facebook page for more info, and here’s a link to SFR’s review of the restaurant from earlier this year.
-We’re not sure what sandwiches will be available at Bread Shop by the time you read this, but we’ve noticed that owners Mayme Berman and Jacob Brenner often change things up and try new delights on the reg. If you need a quick lunch, try ‘em out—they even put the oat milk out on the counter for coffee like geniuses.
-Though chefs Nicole Appels and Kate Holland didn’t quite hit the June 15 opening target for their incoming Baked & Brew bakery/coffeeshop on Cerrillos Road and Baca Street, it just means they’re working harder than ever to make their spot the place it needs to be. As for us, well, we want things to take longer and move more slowly and cause people less stress and we’re not kidding—it’s going to be a more solid bakery for the extra steps. If you’d like to know more, read this and be patient. As soon as we know more, we’ll alert all y’all.
-The Santa Fe Opera is out there opera-ing it up in full swing now, and local vegan food-to-order biz Liberty Gourmand has kicked off some vegan charcuterie plate options for all you tailgaters out there who want to party hard with Tosca and the freaking Flyin’ Dutchman but maybe don’t want to eat a whole thing of salami or whatever. Order here, nerds.
Had to. Sorry. Actually, no we’re not.
SHOUT-OUT FROM A READER!
“Shout out for Poki Tako—just tried their food truck at Las Golondrinas Wine Festival (fun!) and will definitely be doing a repeat at CHOMP. Loved the combo of slightly sweet, crisp cukes and seaweed salad.”
Deb H. is right. In fact, one of our staffers was just raving about chef Randy Tapia’s food not so long ago.
More Tidbits
-Not sure how we missed this February story from Food and/or Wine-dot-com about how people aren’t too good for chain restaurants. We have feelings. First off, no—we’re not too good for chain restaurants, and we understand that they’re sometimes more affordable and that local people work there and blah blah blah. Having said that, while we don’t think ourselves too posh or whatever to eat at Panera, we’re going to prioritize patronizing local business every chance we got. Your thoughts, dear readers?
-It appears the upcoming 2024 Parisian version of the Olympics will not, in fact, be what we might call a belle epoque for booze fans thanks to a 1991 law that prohibits the sale of booze in stadiums, phys ed rooms, gyms and other such sportsy places. While we’re not entirely sure why one would NEED to drink at the Olympics (oh, wait—is it because they’re boring?), we do think people should be able to quaff a beer or whatever while watching some jamoke do trampoline jumps.
-Jewelry brand King Ice has collaborated with 7-11 for a fancy-adjacent jewelry line based on the Slurpee beverage. You can see the pieces by clicking this link. And while we usually get bummed by weird and needless food collabs and products, these necklaces and rings and such are not super expensive, so have at it, we say.
-Meanwhile, the collaboration between Pepsi and ketchup continues to weird us out. What’s that, you ask? What are we talking about? Well, Pepsi, it turns out, has released a ketchup infused with Pepsi. Hmmm. According to The Takeout-dot-com, it’s “good, actually,” though we’re gonna keep on being skeptical. If you wanna learn more, click the link above.
A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork’s Correspondence
In the print edition of SFR this week, another sad break from food, but you can read over all the food writing, reviews and other such items on offer, including past Forks, here. Plus, one winner in the Illustrator’s Cup created a food-related image. We won’t spoil the surprise. See that here.
Number of Letters Received
47
*Your cat words of kindness are much appreciated.
Most Helpful Tip of the Week (a barely edited letter from a reader)
“Whipped cream on oatmeal sounds disgusting. Eat it plain.”
*Tell that to the several readers who emailed us like, “Why didn’t I think of that?!” And since when has “plain” made anything better?!
Actually Helpful Tip(s)
“I bought a new (to me) frozen mini Dove bars with dark chocolate and almonds this week for my grandson, age 5, and we agreed they were mighty fine! They might at least cheer your mouth up for 5 minutes!”
*You know what, we bet you’re right, and we’re gonna find out.
Indivisible,
The Fork
PS: We hope everyone’s pets are doing OK this week and continue to not understand why on Earth people need to blow shit up for so many days around the Fourth.
