Yeah, yeah—we were gone last week and there was no warning, and you scoured your inboxes frantically searching for our words, and when you couldn't find them, you collapsed into the fetal position and wept violently as the hours flew by! Just stop it! We took a break. We're only human as far as you know. We need breaks. But we're back. So let's jump in.
Y'all, we went to Five Guys. That burger chain? You know that one? We went there. Well, it's more like we were dragged there (local forever, we say!), and while we certainly aren't gonna sit here dissing the burger, it was no Santa Fe Bite or Laguna Burger. It was pretty good, and that's where it ends. But we do have some questions. Behold—three whys for Five Guys!
Why do you make ordering so confusing?
Five Guys has adopted a sort of tiered ordering system, wherein every burger starts with meat on a bun, then you go through the steps of adding stuff like extra beef or lettuce or tomato or pickles or whatever. We know what you're thinking, too—that this makes a sort of sense. Sure, fine. The issue is that if you're not that familiar with the system, the hurtful scoffs from the employees and their proclamations that are all like, "Uhhhh, yeah. You just want it dry, or do you want to look at the menu?" come in David Spade voice and sting like the barbs of a thousand wasps.
Why are y'all so obsessed with peanuts?
There are stacks of sacks filled with peanuts strewn about the Five Guys floor (what felt borderline poetic to say) and you can scoop us peanuts to snack upon before your food arrives and there are all these mentions of peanut this and that all over the place inside the dining room. We get that y'all use peanut oil in a way of which you're weirdly proud, but peanut sacks makes it feel like a stock room or something, and it weirded us out. Also, sorry, but roasted peanuts and burgers together is kind of a no from us, dawg.
Why can't y'all sweep the floor?
Maybe this is just a Santa Fe thing, but you've gotta sweep that floor, buds, especially if you're giving out peanuts in shells. Those bad boys are messy. Add in the errant straw wrappers and the general grossness of restaurants, and you've got a problem. Justs clean it up a little, then maybe you'll live up to the other signs in there featuring "what a great burger!" quotes from newspaper writers who we can only assume never tasted a burger before yours.
In summation, we went to Five Guys. And it was fine.
We're weirdly into this fake Five Guys commercial that a bunch of teenagers made. Kids can be so creative.
Also
- OK, so downtown Mexican restaurant Mucho Gusto closed, and that's sad. But from its ashes Tulsi shall rise. What's Tulsi? Why, it's the new restaurant from former Raaga and Raage GO chef Paddy Rawal. The Tulsi website is still under construction, so we're not sure what will come from the new project, but we can assume it'll be pretty good as Rawal just kind of makes pretty good food.
- This next item is about a little something you may have seen in the print edition of SFR this week, but it bears repeating: Cranksgiving is coming. What's that, you ask? Why, it's a scavenger hunt/food donation-a-thon wherein bicycling enthusiasts ride around town gathering Thanksgiving food items destined for The Food Depot food bank, and then people who need that stuff get that stuff. Learn more, like how to sign up, through the Cranksgiving website.
- Midtown bar/music venue Tumbleroot Brewery & Distillery is all set to revive the spirit of Club Alegría, a spot known to many Santa Feans of a certain age. At forthcoming Club Alegría events—like the Luz Skylarker/Frontera Bugalú show at 6:30 pm on Saturday, Nov. 16—find the new iteration of the local Latin dance scene. And yes, there will be booze. Congrats, locals who are around 52-ish, we want to say!
- Mark your calendars now for the upcoming first-ever New Mexico Winter Spirits Festival at the Santa Fe Farmers Market Pavilion. Come Dec. 14, you'll find tastings from 15 NM wineries, breweries and distilleries, plus charcuterie tastings and general revelry. Click here for more info an tickets.
This is what that band Frontera Bugalú sounds like if you were wondering.
More Tidbits
- Eater-dot-com just released its list of the best new restaurants in the country, and nothing from New Mexico made the list. Fine. We don't give a shit. We've always been the kind of place that does our little thing without outside help. See you in hell, then.
- We aren't sure how to tell you this, but Thanksgiving turkey sucks huge. No one—and we mean no one—seems to do it right, so that's kind of a drag. If you want a fighting chance at not mucking it all up, check out Bon Appétit-dot-com's newly released breakdown of 37 freaking turkey recipes. Surely you'll find something in there. Oh, and go ahead and tell whatever person in your life who wants to deep fry the turkey that The Fork says "no way," to that.
- We watched some of the HBO show Like Water for Chocolate the other night, and we're here to say that it's not very good (sure it's pretty, but it's just kind of boring and not very well acted), but we wanna eat all the food they feature in the show. That's it. That's the whole item.
- Lastly in non-local food news this week, Food and/or Wine-dot-com posits that cooking helps mental health. Well, health experts posit that, the website just reported it. But it's a good read and brings up interesting points about what foods do for moods. #FoodsForMoods (that hashtag doesn't go to anything, we just liked the sound of it).
A totally scientific breakdown of The Fork's correspondence
Number of Letters Received: 36
*You people love donuts, that's for sure.
Most Helpful Tip of the Week (a barely edited letter from a reader):
"Dude, nobody reads this shit."
*Ah, but you did, reader Matt G., so...a net gain for Team Fork.
Actually Helpful Tip(s):
"I just read your mention of Palace Prime’s fall [mocktails], and I had to tell you that I had a N/A gimlet there in September that was amazing!"
Reader Mary E. is out here reminding everyone that Palace Prime has great mocktails.
Gone nuts for donuts,
The Fork
