Buckle up for a little free-form rant, dear readers, because we’re mad as hell about numerous things out there in Foodlandia just now and we’re starting to feel like we need to get some stuff off our chest before we burst. And yes, we do want your thoughts on some of this stuff at thefork@sfreporter.com, but at least read everything before you come at us, bro.
As of this moment, the following things are stuck in our craw:
People who call themselves foodies. Not because we wish to denigrate anyone looking for a good meal, but because there’s this stank attached to it whereby people act like the qualifier somehow makes their opinion the best one. We all know that The Fork’s opinion is the only one above reproach, and that’s because we’re both smart as hell, and because we spent a million years toiling in the acid mines from sandwich stands to fine dining joints and all positions betwixt those stations. We mostly jest, but just because you have a couple bucks to eat the fucking elk at Geronimo with regularity most often suggests to us that you have more money than taste. Don’t get us wrong, Geronimo is a phenomenal restaurant, it’s just that there’s a whole wide world of others out there and we’re still mad that the foodies of this town (and we don’t mean the Facebook group, so y’all can just chill—you don’t own the term) forced The Teahouse to abandon its cool new menu for old egg dishes. We also know we’re conflating our issues in some kind of murky Canyon Road rage mirepoix, but them’s the breaks when you write mad!
The positivity set has us fuming, too. We get that we’re talking about small businesses in most cases when it comes to food and restaurant stuff, but, like, dude—stop yelling at people who spent their hard-earned money hoping for the best only to hit a new level of nonsense or bad service or bad food or both or worse. “They’re just doing their best!” is the weakest-ass argument for shutting people down. As we say, we’ve worked in a thousand restaurants, and there has been a marked decline in quality and service for years now. We know this for a couple reasons: We still have friends in the biz who have little prepared “we don’t have time to do it right anymore,” speeches anytime we question restaurant service; we have seen the light drain from a server’s eyes when we say we’re not gonna drink during dinner; we have received the take-out box of terrible-looking food—which we could forgive no problem if the taste were there, but then it’s the saltiest thing we ever ate (and we once ate a big heaping bowl of salt). You know what it’s like? It’s like this Viking settlement we read about a few years ago. Apparently, on Greenland, there was this Viking settlement for, like, 900 years. To put it in perspective, we’re pretty sure America was founded something like 60 years ago. And that settlement fell. And that’s just what needed to happen, even if it probably seemed like it was permanent after 900 years. What’s our point? If you have a restaurant and you can’t pay people properly or treat them right or find people who give a shit, that often trickles down to diners who are always gonna tip at least 20% because they still think people have a right to live. And if you do those things and then people go online or into their food newsletter and say, “Y’know what? That was a bad experience,” you do not have a right to shit on those people like they are anti-business or out to get you. We all hope for the best when we dine out, truly. Ugh, and then the people who are like, “I don’t work there or have a dog in the fight, but how dare you criticize a business trying to get by!” Grrrrrl, talking about what we liked or didn’t like is how we kill most of our time on this planet, and what the heck else are we supposed to do?! YOSEMITE!?! That’s a The Newsroom joke for all you people out there who just had a mini-orgasm thinking about that Jeff Daniels scene.
The always-negative set is no better. Criticism is valid when it comes to creation, which most definitely includes food. But those people who go looking to have a shit time and then parlay their bad ‘tudes into a reason not to tip or to dole out some personal vengeance? Gross. We know we’ve dunked on some things over the years. For example, our recent Tune-Up piece made people furious despite how we would describe it as balanced and fair. We didn’t go looking for trouble, it found us—but that was the result of a thousand visits over the last decade-plus, not part of a never-pleased pattern some folks seem to have. Oh, and for the love of God, don’t visit a place once and decide that whatever happens is set-in-stone. Eateries have bad nights. Servers are human. Chefs and cooks are human. Restaurant work is hard. Criticism, though, can be helpful once one gets beyond the initial knee-jerk reactionary phase. We know this because we get criticized into the ground week in and week out by readers, friends, our lover La Forkette and anyone else who thinks writing is easy. It’s not, for the record, though we’d never tell someone they didn’t get to criticize us because it’s hard.
You still have to tip, though. We have covered this in other Forks, and we also mentioned it in our last little “we’re mad” items, but we feel it bears repeating—you have to tip your servers. We know the system sucks, but are you really gonna withhold $2 to teach someone a lesson? They also don’t want to live in a world where the whims of some jerk who feels entitled to a specific number of ice cubes dictate whether they can visit a doctor, but it’s the system we have and you are consenting to participating anytime you eat at a restaurant. Deal with it or eat at home. We’re serious. And if you’re a server reading this and want to share your thoughts, please do at thefork@sfreporter.com. And if you’re a “I use my tips to hurt people,” person, then find a new newsletter to read, you Scroogey worm.
That’s all that comes to mind just now. And really, we would have probably done some restaurant thing if this week’s issue weren’t our annual Restaurant Directory. That thing is brimming with food info, including cool photos from restaurants, an ode to some of the best cookies in town and a little insight from the inimitable Erwin Sagche at Sagche’s Coffee House, one of our fave restaurants in town.
This is that Jeff Daniels thing we were talking about. The first season of that show is pretty good!
Also
- Just as a little heads-up to everyone, we’re pretty much hit patio season in Santa Fe. We know that some nights have been cold, but even a cursory glance around the social media-o-sphere reveals all kinds of places are opening their outdoor seating as we phase into summer. We just thought you should have that info in case you want to grab a light sweater and sit outside. We recently did, and we even wrote about it.
- Not only did all-you-can-eat Fu Sushi open in Santa Fe recently, we’re also getting some spot called Empire Sushi, too. We were unable to drum up any information about an opening date (Fu is already going, though), but rest assured that we’ll keep our eyeballs glued to the internet or wherever.
- Downtown hotspot Tia Sophia’s is not only the place that very well could be the first restaurant to have a brekkie b on the menu (according to owner Nick Maryol, his family didn’t invent the thing, but very likely did become the first place to serve it professionally), it’ll turn 50 on Monday, May 5. This includes some special pricing for one day only, so if you, like us, have loved the spot for your entire life, maybe pop by and say hi—but accept that it’ll for sure be crazy busy?
- PSA: We found this dairy-free coconut whip product at Natural Grocers from a company called So Delicious, and it has changed our lives. Not only is it delicious, it clocks in at 30 calories per serving. We put it on oatmeal, we put it on a cookie, we sat there and ate it from the tub with a spoon. Here’s more info.
- Don’t forget about next month’s Cocktails & Culture Festival, which celebrates all things food and drink and even has a crazy taco event that rules. There’s so much more info if you click right here. Understand, too, that we’re telling you way in advance because it sells out every year, and this is the tenth one, so that’s a big deal.
- Word on the street is that Oshia’s Pizza has already vacated the CHOMP Food Hall downtown after becoming a locally beloved spot over time. SFR even interviewed owner Oshia Golden a while back. We’re sad to see it go and vexed that there isn’t any more information about why it had to leave. No word yet on if it’ll appear in a new location, but we’ll be watching that as intently as we watch the sushi world. On a related note, if you’ve been looking for Sky Pie, that pizza mini-truck that appeared mysteriously on the Nuckoll’s patio then disappeared, we hear they’re doing stuff with the New Mexico Hard Cider Taproom, which exists across the courtyard from CHOMP. Think of it like a pop-up thing and keep an eye out for info. As if that’s not enough pizza info, we hear Tender Fire Kitchen is back at it with pop-up events at Tumbleroot and El Rey Court. The best way to know where Ben Crosky and his delicious pizza might appear is to follow the biz on Insta.
The coconut whip item made us think of the Nilsson coconut song, but we ADORE his jamz and still think that one is overplayed, which brought us to sharing this one. Enjoy!
More Tidbits
- A new survey from website Lending Tree-dot-com suggests that most Americans are changing their grocery shopping habits because everything is garbage right now, things that used to bring you joy now feel hollow and no one has slept well since the start of the year if not well before. Due to inflation, reportedly, something like 88% of those surveyed said that they’re changing habits since everyone is worried about affording food these days. This will also likely hit restaurants as people are trying to stretch their food bucks—and the survey includes information that some people have stopped tipping takeout and restaurant workers which, as we covered this week, is complete crap. Learn all about it here and enjoy feeling less alone but still sad and scared.
- As if the coconut whip news wasn’t exciting enough for vegans or people who just don’t want to eat dairy all the time, we’ve also learned that pudding juggernaut Jell-O has released its first-ever plant based/vegan puddin’ cup, and it’s an oat milk chocolate number that comes lactose-free, baby! Don’t mind if we do, even if we all know you get, like, three spoonfuls if you’re lucky and mostly it just makes you mad.
- Lastly in not-just-local news this week, Trader Joe’s is expanding to a bunch of different states, though New Mexico doesn’t seem to be on the list. That’s OK, we’re good with Santa Fe’s location, where we go to buy literally one thing only (veggie chili) and then get on with our lives despite how often influencers want us to believe that liking Trader Joe’s and Starbucks is a personality type. Anyway, if you’re not from NM and wanna see the list, click here.
A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork’s Correspondence
As we might have mentioned already, this week’s issue is our big fat restaurant directory, but you can also get familiar with cookie queen Chainé Peña, learn to love Sagche’s if you don’t already (which would be insane) and get a glimpse into the back-of-house at a number of local restaurants. Find it out there come April 30.
Number of Letters Received
17
*We’re getting back up there and are so appreciative of those of you who took the time to write to say hi. We still can’t email you back just now, but we’re seeing them and appreciating them and hope folks keep ‘em coming to thefork@sfreporter.com!
Most Helpful Tip (A Barely Edited Comment From a Reader)
“I didn’t think you could be worse, but I was wrong.”
*You already have a habit of being wrong, so how we do we know you aren’t wrong about us being worse?
Actually Helpful Tip
“Madame Matisse is now open 4-8 Mondays, and serving delicious ‘Bangkok street food.’ Some of the menu, like the curries, change each week. Yes, you can get pad thai, but most of the dishes are unique in Santa Fe. It’s all made to order, so it’s a leisurely dinner. You can call ahead for takeout.”
*Dang, reader Hal M coming in HOT with a killer tip. Thanks, bud, we’ll put it on the list!
Angrily yours,
The Fork
