Hey gang. Sorry we were gone last week, it’s just that we were so tired we could see through time.
We saw ourselves emerging from a basement in Dresden after the firebombings; we saw our captivity on Tralfamador; we saw our own assassination; we saw our birth. PSYCH! That’s Slaughterhouse 5, ya buncha jabronis! We were actually living in isolation on an island and working out what herbs to pick for our potions after being banished there by our dad. PSYCH! That’s Circe, you dorkin’-ass dorks! Seriously, though, we were resting and biding our time and touching our fingertips together while scheming. PSYCH! We just didn’t have the bandwidth. We didn’t have the bandwidth because we’ve been working on beef sticks just, like, as a general concept of late, and eating all those beef sticks has tired us out.
First, though, what’s a beef stick? It’s like jerky, but in tubular/stick form. Think Slim Jims only without all the Macho Man Randy Savage screaming and with more quality ingredients. We know they’re not the best thing of all time to put in our body, but when we’re looking for a few grams of protein that doesn’t come with a whole mess of extra calories, we turn to a 100 calorie beef stick, and we think it’s because we just like to say beef stick.
We’ve even worked out a favorite brand—it’s called Chomps and they’re available at Whole Foods (a store we wish we could boycott because Bezos is EVIL, but we’re only human and also if you drive a car you’re already kicked out of punk club, and yes—we especially include Teslas in the kicked-out-of-punk-club list) and there are numerous varieties to choose from. Top of our list? The smoky bbq seasoned variety, which has both a nice and tangy taste with the slightest kick as well as a satisfying texture. We’ve also tried the jalapeño Chomp beef stick, which we surprisingly really liked despite our long-standing hate of jalapeños.
So why are we telling you this? Well, it’s two reasons, really. First of all, we just like saying “beef stick.” It’s fun, it feels good and if you put a little stank on it, it can be funny. Secondly, though, we need help from the class. We’re relatively new to the jerky/beef stick world, and we need to know what y’all think. Do you make it at home? How?! Do you have a local vendor you like? Who?!?! Do you prefer jerky to a stick? Why?! Do you eat them for breakfast? When?!?!? We want to learn more about the world of dehydrated meats, because they’re kind of crucial to our new reality wherein we got so old without exercising that we want to up our protein but can’t be eating steaks all the time. We know this stuff isn’t a silver bullet, and we know an amorphous gas being such as ourselves can’t live by sticks alone—still, we want you to hit us with your best shot(s) at thefork@sfreporter.com and let us know what we simply must try. Then, during a later Fork, we’ll share the results with the class. We also look forward to the people who simply can’t stop themselves from telling us how much we suck for this via email. That’s totally how to get someone to eat the same way as you!
In summation, hit us with your beef sticks, dear readers. We need ‘em!
“Yeah!!!!!”
Also
- Looks like the folks from the Plaza Café Southside went and soft opened their new Italian joint inside the former Rustica on the Southside. If you’ve not been keeping up, original Rustica owners Josh Baum and Ann Gordon (who also own the Ranch House) sold their eatery to the Plaza’s Leonoa Razatos and Giuliano Marcheschi, who shall henceforth call their spot Piazza Caffé. We’ve yet to eat there, but anecdotal evidence from people we know suggests they’ve come out of the gate swinging with great Italian food. We’ve yet to see a dedicated website, but if you look up Piazza Caffé online, you’ll find info for sure.
- We know this next bit of info is early, but mark your calendars for the annual Angels Dine Out night from local nonprofit Kitchen Angels. In a nutshell, KA is all about getting food to homebound folks, and it’s honestly one of the best nonprofits in the city. This year, on April 17, a big ol’ list of local restaurants will donate 25% of your bill to Kitchen Angels, and the list (which you can see here) is pretty impressive. We’ll remind you, just know it’s coming.
- We know Las Vegas, New Mexico, isn’t exactly close, but we thought our readers might like to know that Café Colibri re-opened under new owners just last Friday. Interestingly, the place doesn’t seem to have a phone number yet, but it’s at 1814 Plaza St., and from the images we’ve seen of salads and sammies and coffee, it should be a nice little lunch or brunch spot and coffee shop.
- Back Road Pizza serves Sunkist orange soda floats and we weren’t informed?!!?! We saw a photo online and now it’s all we can think about. Go in there and have one for us. We’d drink soda, but our teeth are all melty already. Still, it looks delicious.
- At the risk of bragging, The Fork got in on dropping knowledge about Geroge RR Martin’s Milk of the Poppy bar a fucking month ago, but it seems others are catching up now that the place finally opened on March 21. If you’d like to learn more, click that link above and notice how much better we are at this than everyone else. Here’s the official website, btw.
- Lastly in local news this week, one of our favorite restaurants in town is Ortiz at the Hilton, and it’s looking like they’ve got a pretty badass prix fixe dinner going down this weekend. For $80 per couple, you’ll get a spinach salad and/or carnita arancini; miso marinated salmon or duck breast and a slice of carrot cake—plus a select bottle of wine to pair with everything. Cool! If that sounds swanky but you still wanna check out Ortiz, the smash burger there might be our fave in town. Oh, and don’t forget that while locals tend to overlook hotel restaurants, they’re some of the best we have to offer in Santa Fe.
Never enough Macho Man, obviously.
More Tidbits
- OK, we know we just spent a bunch of words talking about how we like those Chomps beef sticks, but it seems that some of those bad boys that were sent to Illinois and California retailers might have contained accidental metal pieces. This does not pertain to New Mexico, it seems, and it only counts for sticks produced between Jan. 13 and 15, so if you are buying them now, you should be good. More info right here.
- RFK freaks us out, but it seems he’s trying to do something kinda cool by asking the FDA to reconsider GRAS (that is, Substances Generally Recognized as Safe) when it comes to food additives. You ever visit a country where they have stricter laws about food? Sure, the colors are muted and the food maybe doesn’t last as long before spoiling, but it also doesn’t have a bunch of mystery crap in there.
- In less sad news, Dairy Queen (which an ex-girlfriend once described to us as “Texas stop signs”) has two new Blizzard flavors comin’ out, and will also apparently bring back three others that had left their menus. We don’t know why companies need to do limited edition ice cream things, but whatever—we won’t turn our noses up at ice cream things.
A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork’s Correspondence
In the print edition of this week’s SFR, no food, so you’ll have to make do with The Fork. Sorry. Blame the other jerks at SFR. Still, we have lots of food coverage since forever at sfreporter.com, so you should read some. Love y’all!
Number of Letters Received
2
*Por quois?!?!?
Most Helpful Tip (A Barely Edited Comment From a Reader)
N/A
*Zut alors!
Actually Helpful Tip
N/A
*Sacrebleu!
Beef stuck,
The Fork
