We struggled for a topic this week, not because we’re lacking in ideas, but because we sometimes think that writing an edition of Le Fork that’s all like, “Hey, everyone, bear with us while we talk about how the octopus looked at us weird at the aquarium, leading us to a later sushi dinner at which we wouldn’t eat octopus because we realized how smart they are,” is just a little too...we dunno, PoMo for you. We want to be helpful (as do our detractors, who email us to say things like, “You should be more helpful,” or, “Have you ever considered trying to be helpful instead of explaining how historians theorize cheese was discovered?”
So we’re going scientific. Well, scientific-adjacent. OK OK OK OK—we’re not going scientific so much as telling you about something that’s tied to the upcoming fall season, and this one’s all about fruit. Yes, yes, yes, we know we were just telling you about pineapple on pizza last week, but in our defense, we barely even did that. And we’re expanding a bit to include information we found interesting during our research phase. Which is actually just a roundabout way of saying we’ve learned some cool things about fall fruit we didn’t really know before (mainly because the way people farm has all but squashed the idea that produce need be adhered to any one season). Here’s what we know about fall fruits:
While apples and pumpkins are the obvious fall-time fruits (though don’t get us started on how shitty it is to go apple picking wherein you pay an orchard to do their work for them), did you know this is a great time of year for grapes, persimmons, pineapples and, our personal favorite, Asian pears? We even read someplace that bell peppers technically count as fruit (something about the seeds), and that fall is a great time to get onboard with that. Oh. Our. God. Does that mean that when the chile roasters are out there in Santa Fe, like they are now-ish, they’re roasting fruit? Nuts!
Anyway, those who don’t know the Asian pear might be interested to learn a little more, like how they originated, fruit historians believe, in China and Japan. AND, we said. The first ones, which many of us perceive to be apple-like and golden and beautiful, did indeed hail from Japan, while subsequent varieties that seem more pear-ish are of Chinese origin. In our minds, they’ve got that jicama texture, all crispy and moist, only the subtle sweetness of Asian pears make them even better than jicama, and we’ll fight you about it (and still put both in a salad). They’re also technically from the rose family (neat!) and a fantastic source of vitamin C; plus they have anti-oxidant powers, a bit of the vitamin K and plenty of fiber for folks who want that sort of thing. Heck, we even read they might be helpful in treating sore throat and laryngitis (also neat!)
Persimmons, meanwhile, have some cool things going on, too! For example—they’re of the genus diospyros, which basically means the gods love ‘em. Further, while you can only find two varieties in stores and such, there are over 2,000 varieties in total. Wow! 2,000! Like our friend the Asian pear, these bad boys originated in China and generally grow September to December. That means we’re just about heading into that GOOOOOOOD persimmon time of year. Even better? You can make tea with their leaves, which is also a good fall thing.
The one that really surprised us, though, was grapes. Not because we had any real information before today, but because we have them linked to someone hand-feeding them to us on a tropical beach, which is hardly the grapes’ fault. But what’s to know with grapes that’s new? They have seeds. They make wine. Raisins are the goddamn WORST. Interestingly, there are more than 10,000 varieties of grapes, though as people we usually only interact with a small number of those, and most only come into play if we’re talking wine. On that note, there are some oenophiles, we hear, who are engaged in the search to preserve lesser-known types of grapes. That would make a boring movie, but it’s an interesting factoid. Or maybe it would make a cool movie? The screenplay would be all like:
Beautiful Science Intern:
Oh, no, Dr. Binderman! If we don’t get these grape seeds frozen in nitrogen before the fruit poachers regroup, next fall’s university wine mixer is going to be a real drag!
Dr. Binderman:
Don’t you think I know that, dammit! I was there at the last one...Charles Shaw? More like Charles NAW! But what can we do? My arch nemesis, Dr. Von Deathburg, has technology we can’t begin to replicate or use ourselves.
Beautiful Science Intern:
But we’ve got heart! We’ve got justice on our side! We’ve got...love?
So in this scenario, the role of Beautiful Science Intern would go to a dude, and Dr. Binderman would be a woman. Or maybe another dude. But don’t act like you didn’t assume it was the other thing. Yeah...you did. So anyway, after they make love betwixt the grape vines, Dr. Binderman shoots a bazooka out of a helicopter, which is piloted by Beautiful Science Intern, destroying all the fruit poachers forever and ever! And then Dr. Binderman stands there in the chopper and says something pithy like, “I know you had grape expectations, but you should quit your wine-ing,” thus saving the university wine mixer and indeed the fate of all lesser-known grape varieties. There are some cool grape names, too, like Moon Drop and Sweet Jubilee and Cotton Candy and Moon Balls. Moon Balls would be a good name for a cat you hadn’t neutered.
Anyway, what fruits do you like in the fall? And why are we like this?
Where the hell does Grape Ape even get his clothes and hat? This is ridiculous.
Also
-Consider this another reminder that the annual Santa Fe Wine & Chile Fiesta will soon be upon us come Sept. 21-25. While there will be much to eat and drink (and we might even show up to present our script about the grape-focused Dr. Binderman), there will also be other things going down. Take, for example, the two-night dinner series at the Anasazi Restaurant at the Rosewood Inn of the Anasazi on Sept. 23, where James Beard Award-winning chef Bruno Davaillon will feature a meal paired with wines from Duckhorn Vineyards and Hourglass Vineyards. At $235 per person, you likely won’t see us there (and even if you did, you’d never know because not a single one of you has ever come close to seeing beneath the Fork cowl), but if you’re feeling wine-y and have an extra $470 lying around, you could do one hell of a date.
-Also later in September, in Albuquerque, find the 4th Annual New Mexico Prickly Pear Festival going down on Sept. 24 and 25. They’re no Asian pear, but what is? Tickets to this thing run a mere $10 at most, so maybe this is more like your date-night thing?
-Though not technically a local company, we wanted to point out that Sonic (or Sonics if you’re from New Mexico) has its own brand of hard seltzers, which we learned about from dedicated reader Barbara J. Coming in flavors that match the fast food chain’s most beloved fountain drinks (like limeade and cherry limeade), we think they look pretty cool—like the kind of thing you could really quaff at your cousin’s wedding just before you unleashed a string of well-rehearsed epithets on your racist grandma. Sure, she doesn’t have much time left, but should she go to hell with outdated ideas? Hahaha! Why are we sticking it to our grandma so hard? She’s only ever shared recipes and called us “darling.” Anyway, Sonic+hard seltzers+you=a pretty OK time, we bet.
-Saturday, Aug. 27 is National Banana Lover’s Day, which is good to know because we love banana bread and tarts and such. Weirdly, we don’t love bananas themselves unless they’re pretty green. Anyway, if you’d like to learn more about the most curved of all yellow fruits, check out an edition of The Fork from last March wherein we opined, like Gwen Stefani, that this shit is bananas.
To explain our train of thought, we started at banana, which led to Bananarama—and this is just one of the best songs of all time, so...yeah.
More Tidbits
-Meanwhile, in one of the worst effing things we’ve ever heard news, the Philadelphia cream cheese company has a new cookbook coming called, and we’re not kidding, The Feeladelphia Experience. Setting aside how the company’s actual namesake, Philadelphia, derives from the Latin for loving your brother—and that taking that concept into the realm of the pleasures of touch and feel—the tagline is literally “immerse yourself in a culinary journey though the senses, and discover a new depth of feeling.” While we’re pretty sure “discover a new depth of feeling” is VERBATIM the same verbiage on the box of the last vibrator we bought, it’s honestly pretty cool the company has partnered with Michelin-rated chefs to make cream cheese-infused dishes. It’s complicated, though, so click this link if you need to know more.
-Ree Drummond, being the very rich Pioneer Woman, teamed up with USA Today to tell people how to save money on groceries in a recent story. Cool, we guess, but give us someone who’s poor and struggling and has boots-on-the-ground experience. Anything else is kind of condescending.
-Oh, shizzle! Legendary rapper Snoop Dogg reportedly has a new breakfast cereal in the works, and it’s brilliantly called Snoop Loopz! SNOOP LOOPZ! God, we just love it so much. Snoop (real name Calvin Broadus) is no stranger to the food biz, though, which you’d know if you ever bothered to visit the website for his Broadus Foods company. The’ve got oatmeal and syrup and grits and the aforementioned Snoop Loopz. With a little luck, we’ll get future products like Lo-Los (we’re picturing it like Ho-Hos) and Drop it Like It’s Hotcakes. We sure are good at Snoop punz, and we applaud him for diversifying his portfolio. Hey, Snoop—we’ve trademarked those names, though, reach out if you want to use them. Just kidding. Or are we?
A Totally Scientific Breakdown of The Fork’s Correspondence
In the print edition of this week’s SFR, our stupid boss went to a meeting at Adelita’s Mexican Restaurant and came away totally porked.
Number of Letters Received
27
*Wow! 27 for a second week in a row! Thanks to everyone who enjoyed our new term, reverse flavor town.
Most Helpful Tip of the Week (a barely edited letter from a reader)
“I don’t want to have coffee with you and I don’t need your gift certificate.”
*From the person last week who loves/hates us, and whom we offered a coffee date or coffee gift cert.
Actually Helpful Tip(s)
We already told you about Barbara J. and the Sonics seltzers, what more do you want from us?!
*We just wanna say hey to Barbara J.
Grapefully,
The Fork
