Shelby Criswell
I’m not a spokesperson for pansexuality by any means, but I do have lived experience as someone who identifies as pansexual. Essentially, it means I’m naturally attracted to certain individuals, not based on gender, but rather their humanness. No, this doesn’t mean I’m attracted to everyone or into having romantic relationships with multiple people. The character David from the show Schitt’s Creek said it best, “I’m into the wine, not the label.” My human body constitution for matters of the heart and relationships are at my best in connections that are monogamous, and just like with heterosexual people, relationship styles and preferences can vary.
WebMD has a more succinct definition of pansexuality to which I relate: “Pansexuality is the romantic, emotional, and/or sexual attraction to people regardless of their gender. Like everyone else, pansexual people may be attracted to some people and not others, but the gender of the person does not matter.”
This vocabulary allows for transgender, nonbinary and any others on the gender spectrum to be included. We are all nuanced and multidimensional human beings, and my philosophy resides outside the confines of a gender and sexuality binary.
This is not anything new as I’ve lived this way for most of my life, regardless of who I’ve been in romantic connections and relationships with—since the early ’90s, when I first realized I wasn’t straight/heterosexual. I had myriad feelings and emotions to work through within myself and my relationships. Worse, I was in high school, and not many people were “out” back then. I recall being denied tickets to the homecoming dance because two girls were not allowed to attend together. A boy from my school maliciously called my parent’s house and tried to “out” me over the phone. Luckily my dad was hard of hearing and I hung up the phone before any more damage was done.
For many years I was terrified and kept my sexuality hidden from family members and others I deemed unsafe. My Catholic upbringing and my family’s rigidity around sexuality made it additionally challenging and shaming. Luckily, I’ve found a lot of supportive friends, partners and allies over the years as I’ve delved into healing any guilt or shame. And for any readers out there who might be struggling internally and/or not receiving the support they need? I encourage you to expand your support network with other people and organizations that are supportive of you being you.
We have all made assumptions about people in one form or fashion, and it can be humbling to learn about the inaccuracies surrounding those assumptions. Here are some of the questions I’ve been asked or assumed.
“So you’re not a lesbian, you’re into guys?”
Answer: I’ve never identified as a lesbian. I’m pansexual.
“So are you straight now?”
Answer: No. The answer will always be no. I’m pansexual.
“Do you want to be in a throuple?”
Answer: No. That is not for me.
And there have been so many more questions I’d just rather not repeat.
This may come as a shock to some, but it has also been my experience at times to be frowned upon from people in the queer community when I date cisgender straight men. Mostly, I’ve had supportive questions and responses, but on occasion it can become an uncomfortable topic. I get it, as I have also been the person making assumptions and feeling a certain way when there is someone new and unfamiliar. I do find that the more I talk to others about my pansexual identity, the more understanding, supportive and open folks can be. When I focus on a person’s humanness, strengths, green flags and positive attributes for building a healthy relationship, how they make me feel is typically a win-win.
Frida Kahlo once said, “I used to think I was the strangest person in the world but then I thought, there are so many people in the world, there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me too. I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true. I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you.”
When we say LGBTQIA+, I hope you’ll think about pansexuality and all the configurations included in that +. We are stronger together in allyship. Happy Pride, Santa Fe. Now let’s dance!
